THE TAO OF SCOOT

Alan Rickman on Broadway = AWESOME

2012-01-29T21:36:00.011-06:00

I totally heart NY.

Good Evening my Children. Your Den Mother has seen Alan Rickman live. And it was Good. One of many, many, many benefits of living a ~1hr train ride from NYC is that I get to see Broadway plays on a semi-regular basis. It would be more regular if I had more money. I was in the nose bleed section tonight (thankfully of a small theater so it wasn't TOO far away from the stage) and the tickets cost $82.50. Each. What play you ask? It was called Seminar. It was about 4 aspiring actors who took a titular seminar with a writer played by the wonderful Alan Rickman. Mr. "Sliders" Jerry Connell was also in said play. It ran only 1 hr 40 min but Oh. My. God. I now know what its liked to be fucked aurally. That's AURALLY not ORALLY, you perverts. Now mind you, I have known for many years that Rickman's voice is pure sex. But it doesn't COMPARE to a live performance. Anyway, the dialogue and monologues were outstanding. And I have now heard Mr. Rickman use "She sucked my balls so hard, I saw stars" in a sentence. For any who live in the tri-state area see. this. play. Anyway, I was tempted to wait around after the play so I could get the chance to thank Alan Rickman for fucking me in the ear for an hour and half. But we had dinner reservations at a restaurant where I learned a couscous dish could be so fucking good that it qualifies as a religious experience. So all in all, a great day in the City.

That's all. Have a wonderful evening.

FUCK YOU PIPA/SOPA

2012-01-18T21:40:00.007-06:00

Liberty should not be Gagged

Good Evening My Children. Your den mother here wants to remind all Americans that we face a threat to our internet liberties. We face a threat that is hidden behind stopping piracy. This threat is in the disguise of the Protect Intellectual Property and the Stop Online Piracy Act (PIPA/SOPA). My children this is nothing more than threatening a VERY VERY big chunk of websites on the internet. If this act goes through, any site that has any video or image that is not their personal property or has permission to use said videos/images will be knocked off the web.

This act will NOT stop piracy. There are so many holes that will permit internet pirating to continue that its laughable. What will be endangered? Well this site for one. My review of the Tudors alone would blacklist this site. Topless Robot and Rifftrax will be gone. Any fan site for shows, books, movies, wines, any fucking hobby you can think of, will be gone. The disclaimer that we do not own said interests would no longer be enough to protect these sites. They would need PERMISSION from the corporations and individuals who directly own the property. SO all you Star Wars fans? You'll need permission from LucasFilms. X-Men fans? Marvel. Superman and Batman? DC. Any Pixar films? Disney. Its ridiculous and unfair. For those who want to do something here ya go!

http://americancensorship.org/

Most of us come to the Tao of Scoot due to Topless Robot. Help stop these bills or they will be gone.

I end with a great speech against another violation of Civil Liberties. Appropriately, this would be grounds for blacklisting the site under these bills.

"We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home." Edward R. Murrow spoke against the communist witch hunts of the 195os. Here we are defending the rights to freedom of information on the web. We cannot proclaim ourselves a free nation if we are so willing to trample freedom of the web in the hopes of stopping piracy.

Good Night and Good Luck

The Tudors: Rebellion and Family Reconciliation

2012-01-12T19:30:00.030-06:00

Jane Seymour & Henry Rex. Stuff Happens.

Good Evening My Children. Den Mother here has temporarily leave from the isolation chamber and brings unto you part two of my Tudors Review. I delved into Queens 1-3. But stuff happened during Jane Seymour's brief reign other than her just giving birth and promptly dying. So away we go!

When last we left King Henry numero 8, Jane Seymour, queen #3, gave birth to the long awaited, and chaos-inducing male heir, Edward...who I think will be VI when he gains the throne. She promptly died from complications relating to her VERY long labor. Henry 8 goes into a depression for a while. However, I did not touch upon a REALLY important plot point that was occuring during Jane's brief reign...the Pilgrimage of Grace, caused by the destruction of the Catholic Abbeys and the suppression of the Catholic Faith. Which brings us to Mr. Thomas Cromwell, portrayed by James Frain.

That bling used to belong to Thomas More

I only briefly mentioned him in the first part as the young clerk that Wolsey had given to Henry 8 as a replacement secretary. He was also a Lutheran who despised the Catholic Church and wanted it utterly obliviated. Anyway, Mr. Cromwell impressed the king so that he gained more and more power. When Thomas More, the Catholic Chancellor who refused to take the Oath (King is head of the Church), got beheaded, Cromwell was given the position of Chancellor. I can't really define that position as I haven't really figured out from the show what precisely the position IS, other than head of the king's advisors and doer of important stuff. All I know is that Wolsey had the position, got arrested for High treason and committed suicide. Then More got the position, was arrested for high treason and beheaded. Foreshadowing for Cromwell, huh? Anyway, as I said, he was ruthlessly suppressing the Abbeys and pissing the fuck off of all those faithful to the Holy See...which is a goodly portion of the English at that point. But by suppressing the abbeys, he also increased the Royal Coiffers significantly, which made the king excessively happy. He then bequeathed a knighthood upon Cromwell as well as the title Earl of Essex, as well as a bunch of property. Things were looking quite awesome for Cromwell...then shit hit the fan.

The Pilgrimage of Grace was a nice euphemism for outright rebellion. The Catholics of the North were mad as hell and weren't going to take it anymore. They banded together under Robert Aske, a lawyer or barrister as they were known, portrayed by Gerard McSorley.

Pay attention to the Emblem on his chest.

Now Robert Aske was loyal to the crown. He did NOT want to commit rebellion. He just wanted the King to be made aware of the fact that many of his subjects were unwilling to have their faith so drastically altered. The suppression of Louth Abbey, which was the catalyst for the rebellion, was quite horrifying to behold. Particularly when the statue of the Virgin Mary was defaced. Still don't understand that part of the Lutheran dogma. I get the not worshipping Saints since its kinda pagan. But surely the MOTHER OF CHRIST was worthy of reverence and not having her face stomped on. But I digress. So they mass a HUGE number and begin marching South from Lincon and eventually get into York, where they meet up with Lord Thomas Darcy, portrayed by Jean Valjean...no really! I saw this guy on Broadway in 1993. The actors actual name is Colm Wilkinson.

2! 4! 6! 0! 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darcy was supposed to halt the progress but instead, seeing as he was REALLY REALLY outnumbered, allowed them to pass through. He, although loyal to the crown, agreed with the grievances and joined up. Which brings us to Henry 8's reaction to this rebellion.

Now Henry is a man well acquainted with rebellion. Warning: random history lesson ahead. His father Henry VII came to power at the end of the War of the Roses (rivalry between the two houses of Plantaneget: York (white rose) vs. Lancaster (red rose)). He had already worked to secure his claim by marrying Elizabeth of York... thus he would have both houses in one. The Tudor Rose is a red and white rose combined. A whole mess of Cornishmen revolted against his crowning, which led to Henry 8 taking shelter with his family in the Tower of London... WHY DO I REMEMBER THIS STUFF OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD???? A good deal of what I just wrote was not mentioned in the show. Anyway, back to the show. So Henry 8 was in no way gonna be tolerant of rebellion. So he sent his best bud, a man who miraculously survived the entire series, Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, to quell the rebellion. Oh and let us digress to Mr. Brandon, played by the delectable Henry Cavill. Charles Brandon is the King's most loyal subject and has proved it on a number of occasions. But never so much as during the Pilgrimage of Grace, to his eternal regret.

Charles Brandon, the Duke of Suffolk. He lives to old age, by some fucking miracle.

Anyway, Suffolk dealt with a whole mess of delays when going up to face the rebels. Mainly, the stupidity of the Mayor of London not getting the horses needed to transport the artillery up north. So in order to delay the advancement, the good Duke parlays with Aske and Darcy. He promises, as long as the rebels stay put and stop being rebels, that he would have the King address the grievances. A very smart move on Suffolk's part. The king is fine with him making these promises as it halted the advancement. Aske was sent south to personally address the King. Basically, they were lulled into a false sense of security. The King did plan to pardon the rebels, with the exception of the leaders, as long as they all swore their complete submission to his majesty in all things. (He had NO plan to address their grievances. He just needed them to stop marching south). Aske comes to London during the Christmas season. He meets the King and family. Henry 8 knows how to charm the fuck out of people when necessary. He tells Aske that he understands the grievances and will set up a session of Parliament that will focus on said grievances. A bunch of bullshit of course. But Aske eats it up and goes back North. Now the rest of the crew was NOT buying it. So they decide to continue marching, stating that the King only understands actions. This gives the King the perfect excuse to deal with the rebels as he had always intended. Brandon is ordered to destroy the PoG utterly. And boy does he EVER. However, he tries to be merciful by only executing the 74 leaders of the rebellion, whom he deemed most at fault. He arrests Darcy and Aske and marches them back south. When he gives his report to Cromwell, who is fucking relieved as all hell that the rebellion was quelled as he was being the one most attacked by the King. Remember, Cromwell is the major player behind the suppression of the Abbeys and was one of the points made in the grievances. Basically, they wanted him dead. Anyway, Cromwell tells Brandon that he was too lenient and ordered to give a more proper demonstration of the consequences of rebellion. I.E. Kill thousands, Mr. Brandon. Brandon, still shaken from being forced to break his word, is in agony over the fact that the King himself has ordered the mass killings of Northern Subjects. But, liking his head where it is, does as commanded. This includes marching Aske north to be hung while chained and having Lord Darcy beheaded. Brandon will be quite literally haunted by these actions. And here endeth the Pilgrimage of Grace with this image:

Men, women, and Children were hanged.

Well back to the family of Tudor. Whilst there is rebellion, Jane Seymour was a) pregnant, and b) working feverishly to reconcile her husband with his estranged daughters Mary and Elizabeth. Henry 8 was not even acknowledging Elizabeth for a while and basically said that Mary had to sign the Oath and also accept her new status as a bastard for there to be reconciliation. Which brings us to the most entertaining cast member of season 3, Sir Francis Bryan, played by Alan Van Spring. Francis Bryan was once a spy and code-breaker and really likes the ladies. So Bryan is sent to Mary's home to tell her point blank that she has to sign the Oath or suffer the consequences. He also told her that if he had a daughter such as her he would have smashed her head against the wall. Lovely. Then one of my favorite recurring characters, Eustace Chapuys played by Anthony Brophy, the ambassador of Spain, who also managed to survive through most of the series, tells her the same. He also says they can probably make a secret alternate oath to the pope so that the Holy See would understand her Oath to Daddy was made only under duress. And threat of beheading is major duress. He also tells her that the Holy Roman Emporer Charles V, who had been her mother and her's chief supporter, would no longer be willing to take up her cause. So, she signs the Oath and things are all fine and dandy between her and daddy. Yay. Oh here are a few pictures of the above:

Sir Francis Bryan. ARGH! He just disappears after season 3. Too Bad.

Bryan being an asshole to Mary Tudor.

Eustace Chapuys, Imperial Ambassador of Spain. He's nice to Mary Tudor.

MOVING ALONG. So everything is fine and dandy in Tudorville. Somehow, Mary and Jane Seymour collaborate to get Elizabeth to court during the Christmas festivities mentioned earlier. She shows up and Daddy doesn't throw a complete fit over the child he wasn't even acknowledging as his. But, although the actors don't look alike, Henry 8 and Elizabeth had a pronounced resemblance so Henry couldn't deny the relation. Here's the family reunion! YAY!

Henry 8 and Elizabeth. AWWWWWWWWW!

So a rebellion is crushed, and Mary and Elizabeth are back in their father's good graces. So of COURSE, tragedy strikes. Jane Seymour has an epically long labor. In fact, it was so long that the physician was recommending a c-section. Back in those days, however, that was a death sentence for the lady. She manages to finally give birth. Henry is elated at the birth of his long awaited son. But then Jane falls ill with "Child Bed Fever." Henry prays like a madman for her to live at her bedside. "Because you did everything I ever asked of you, please stay." Actually got a bit teary-eyed there. However, its all for naught. She dies. Henry 8 mourns in isolation. There is mass outbreaks of violence in London that Cromwell is desperately trying to manage in the King's absence. Henry gets himself out of mourning to have Cromwell and his advisor's suggesting marriage... Which we will get to in part 3 cuz this is taking too long. So endeth Jane Seymour's reign.

Bye Jane! Thanks for giving birth.

I thus end Part 2 of The Tudors review with the Execution of Robert Aske. Enjoy...I guess.

The Tudors: More sex and beheadings forthcoming...

2012-01-10T23:14:00.007-06:00

Good Evening My Children. I will soon be giving unto you the long delayed part 2 of my Tudors review. I lost interest in the show for a while and just recently regained interest...largely due to this lovely lady:

Meet Sarah Bolger...and her Cleavage. The cleavage that is almost cut out belongs to Queen number 6: Catherine Parr.

This is Mary Tudor, who I did mention in the first post but failed to appreciate the awesomeness of when I first watched The Tudors...I guess I was distracted by all of the tits that were actually shown in the series that I failed to notice the one pair that was sadly never exposed. As Mary Tudor was a very pious and thus virtuous girl, her tits remained covered...but the fashion of the 16th century was a great tease so we got some EXCELLENT shots of her cleavage. Here are a few more pictures:

Not the best face shot, but cleavage-wise: damn, just damn.

The girl to the right of Mary Tudor's breasts is Queen number 5, Catherine Howard

Here's Sarah Bolger in the 21st century...

Anyway, Goodnight children and I hope you enjoy cleavage. :)

The 20 Best Screenshots from the 'Samurai Showdown/Spirits' Series

2011-12-24T01:10:00.001-06:00

I have an addiction, of sorts. Every time I use my MAME or SNES emulators, I compulsively take screenshots of the games I play (and I've played close to a thousand individual games.) The average amount of screenshots I take of each game is anywhere between 10 and 200+ (the 200+ games are usually RPG's, just because of the amount of time they take to play.) It's just a compulsion: For example, let's say a play-through of Capcom's utterly awesome scrolling beat 'em up 'The Punisher' takes half an hour. When I play it, it can take up to an hour and a half, because of the screenshots I'm taking. I see something cool, press 'PRTSC', collapse the emulator, open MS Paint, and save the image as a .bmp. Then I'd open all of those images in Photoshop, and save them as high-quality .jpg files. (Now I just take all the .bmp's and convert them to .jpg's using Format Factory.) The reason I mention all this is because I have thousands of screenshots from hundreds of games, so if you guys need a screenshot for a game, odds are I'll have at least 20 for you to pick from.

Anyway, here are 20 of my best screenshots from the 'Samurai Showdown/Spirits' series. It's easy to take great-looking screen grabs from these games just because the character models are beautiful, and the animation is excellent.
A screen grab is obviously a static shot, but because the individual sprite that forms part of each animation is so clear, when you take your screen grab you never get a 'blur', a shot that captures only the transition between sprite animations, which just looks messy and isn't worth keeping.

So that's 'Screen Grabs 101' out of the way. After the jump, the 20 best Samurai Showdown/Spirits screenshots! (Alliteration points awarded for that last sentence: at least a billion.)

Just a quick note: To view the images in their full size as a slideshow, simply click on an image.

The Tao's Barely Functional Fan Fiction Friday!

2011-12-23T15:10:00.005-06:00

Welcome all to our scrappy gang's (Aaron Dennis, Dirania Majere and James Daniels) attempt to build a Fan Fiction Friday! Sit back a little, cradle a shnifter of brandy in your good hand, and be prepared for our attempt to horrify and amuse you...

(Okay – look at the images above. Trippfunster did the same and said, "Wow! Sexy! I must write porn!)

Heinz rolled onto his back, narrow chest still heaving. “Well,” he rasped, “this was completely … unexpected.” He endeavoured to control both his thoughts and jagged breathing, but the tension thrumming through him and the tremors in his hands demanded his attention. Not to mention the swollen member between his legs, or more aptly, slung across his abdomen. Turgid and almost purple from lack of release, its glistening tip resembled a conductor’s baton, keeping time with Heinz’s heartbeat, giving a tidy flick with each pulse.

The next time I want to conduct a symphony, I’ll use a dildo. It’ll guarantee those jerks in the horn section actually follow the beat this time.

He pressed the heel of his hand against the base of his swollen cock and groaned in frustration. “Curse you Perry the Platypus. Curse you for being so small! And curse me for being so big! And I don’t mean big as in well-hung--which frankly I am--but really, even if I wasn’t, I would still be too big for you!”
Mark today in your diaries, kids. This is the first time in human history a man has complained about his penis being too big. On second thought, forget the diary thing; no doubt the universe will collapse purely from this, the most illogical statement in universal history.

Perry nodded. He supposed he was in agreement, but his own cock was proving quite the distraction. He ran his tongue over the tip of his bill and willed his eyes to focus on the doctor. “And you,” Heinz continued, “might have a really big dick for a platypus. Hell, you might be a platypus porn star for all I know, but I just don’t think … it’s gonna …” His train of thought derailed as he watched Perry stroking his long, pink member. “Curse you,” he repeated, looking over at his equally hard, equally frustrated semi-aquatic friend.

The ladies love some
PLATYPUS PORN STAR!!

Well, not “friends”exactly. Nor were they enemies. And “frenemies” just sounded too gay. Not that lying naked on the floor holding your throbbing dick with another guy wasn’t gay. It was just … they were … complicated.

I’d wager it’s complicated because of how incredibly gay it actually is. It’s so gay that the enormity of the gayness is the only thing that stops them saying its gay, simply because they cannot comprehend the massive amount of gayness that is present.

But wet dreams in the privacy of his own fist, and the warm, hard reality of what lay next to him this afternoon were proving quite diverse. Heinz did not have a lot going for him in the looks department, but when the lights were dimmed and his slacks removed, his partners rarely had anything to complain about. The rumour about big hands/feet/chins/noses was abundantly true when it came to the Doofenshmirtz men.
Normally, this was an advantage for Heinz. But normally, he wasn’t trying to fuck something no larger than a football. As mixed as his feelings were for the little platypus, splitting him in half was not one of his evil schemes. One did not have to be a scientist to figure out that tab A would absolutely NOT fit into slot B.

Wait….normally? Is this what happened to Mr. Fluffykins?
And now for a little nightmare fuel--from Softpedia: “Platypuses have bifurcated penises. The bifurcated penises are formed by two distinct columns and so the penis has four heads! The penis is not used for urination and it only gets out of the body during mating (the penis is kept, while resting, in the cloaca). Males ejaculate with just two heads (half of the penis) at a time!

And Perry, while quite possibly well endowed for his species, was certainly not man enough to satisfy Heinz. The long, slim pink penis was intriguing yet strange.
"What the hell were we thinking?" He croaked.

That’s exactly the same thing we were saying at this point!

“I mean, look at me! And look at you!” Heinz turned to face his nemesis and his eyes softened. “Look at you.” He whispered, reaching over to stroke the soft fur with one long finger. “Sehr schöne.”

Okay, maybe NOT the same thing…

Perry’s eyes closed at the words, and he arched into Heinz’s touch. Heinz’s finger traveled down past the slim cock to press against Perry’s perineum. You know … if platypus even HAVE a perineum.

Weirdest Google search of the day so far.

Perry sucked in a quick breath and Heinz grinned. Well, whatever he was pressing, it seemed to be working. He scooted a bit closer so their erections could touch and rubbed the moist tip along the length of Perry’s. The platypus purred his approval. Rolling up on to his knees between the doctor‘s legs, Perry grabbed the base of his own cock in one hand and the head of Heinz’s in the other and teased the wet slit of the larger cock with the tapered end of his own.

Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me…

“Oh!” Heinz groaned, leveraging himself up on to his elbows to get a better view of the festivities. “It almost looks as though your little penis might fit right- On, Scheiße!” he cried as Perry mirrored his thought, and pressed the tip of his prick into the wet opening. “That feels … well, surprisingly good, actually.”

Of course it does. That move is in like 90% of the Platypus porn Australia produces. Research much?

Perry grinned and pressed forward, inching slowly into the tight confines of the evil doctor’s urethra. Heinz, for his part, could only stare, wide eyed and slack jawed at what the little platypus was doing. That insane duck-billed imp was actually fucking him. IN HIS PENIS. And damn if it didn’t feel amazing!

And by amazing we mean ‘HORRIFYING BEYOND BELIEF!’

Perry continued to push forward until he was fully sheathed, then paused, his hands leaving Heinz’s dick just long enough to adjust his fedora. He gave a deep, throaty chirrup, grabbed the doctor just behind the fleshy head of his cock and began to move his hips. Forward and back. Forward and back. Slowly gaining in pressure and momentum until he was fucking that giant cock in earnest.

Heinz’s nails dug grooves into the hardwood floor and he threw his head back, his breaths quick and shallow, his lips drawn tightly across his teeth in a grimace of passion. “Perry … The Platypus.” he grunted, eyes screwed shut. “I’m gonna. If you don’t. You’d better. Oh!” he cried, nails digging even deeper, “Oh Gott!”

I think we’re all crying a bit at this point ourselves.

Perry chirruped again, his body tightening into a spasm, his staccato thrusts losing their rhythm as he pulsed his seed into the tight chasm of Heinz’s cock. “Please!” the Doctor whined, “I can’t- it won’t-”

Sorry, but of all the ridiculous things in this fanfic, the idea of a Platypus making a ‘chirrup’ noise is what’s bother in me the most. This is the sound they make: http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/files/ornithorhynchus_anatinus.mp3
Yes, I am Australian. What gave it away? Aaaaaaand back to the action:

Perry the Platypus – cockblocker. Perry gave a quick wink and pulled out of Heinz. The evil scientist grasped the base of his dick and gave a few quick pumps, then heaved a great sob of relief as thick strings of come surged from his prick.

…and blood…and urine…and shredded pieces of his urethra…

Slowly, the tension drained from his thin frame and he slumped back, his head making a hollow thunk against the floor. “Good gracious!” he gasped, a smile finally tugging at his lips. “Where the heck did you learn to do that?” He stretched, pressing his long arms over his head and grinned outright. “I certainly don’t think they taught you that manoeuvre at O.W.C.A. In fact, with evil moves like that, you might be more suited to the dark side!”

Perry was young and needed the money…

He turned to Perry, who, after wiping all ‘evidence’ from his fur, had removed his fedora to inspect it also. “Are you blushing under your little platypus fur? You are, aren’t you?” Heinz gently prodded him with a finger, then gave a scratch under his chin. “That’s okay. I don’t usually go crazy with the compliments, but I’ve got to say, little guy, that this was pretty darn amazing.” Perry leaned into the touch, and the blush extended to his little webbed feet. “But don’t worry,” continued Heinz, “I don’t want things to get all weird between us. You’re still a secret agent, and I’m still an evil scientist, and no amount of you sticking your little platypus penis inside my bigger non-platypus penis is going to change anything, right? Oh crap. It just got weird, didn’t it?”

BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MILLENIUM!! Also: Fuck you for saying the exact same thing I was gonna say. Instead, I’ll say this: You’re tiny amount of self-awareness here redeems you in no way, shape, or form. Asshole.

Perry pondered for a moment, then held up his hand, palm down, making a fist. Heinz stared in confusion, then raised his own fist and bumped it against his nemesis’. “So we’re cool? We’re cool, right? Oh, thank goodness, because I still have big plans to take over the Tri-State Area, and I need you around to thwart me. Am I right?” Perry nodded then scampered to the balcony ledge. With a quick tip of his hat, he
leaned back into the cool evening air and plummeted off the edge. At the sound of the platypus’ parachute deploying, Heinz rolled on to his side and gave a heavy sigh. “Curse you, Perry the Platypus. See you Tuesday!”

On that note, I’m going to go send some hate mail to Animal Planet.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-16T01:35:00.002-06:00

Video Games

Merry/Happy Various Festivals, peoples!

Sorry I've been gone so long...getting lazy with the coming winter.

The following is my take on the so-called issue of the commercialization/secularization of Christmas. This idea first appeared in an email I sent to friend of TTOS Bri Buckley (so she is excused from reading this)

Here's more Holiday nerdery first--then hit the Jump.

I always say "Merry Christmas" rather than "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" (seriously, does anyone who doesn't work for a greeeting card company say "Season's Greetings"?)--not because I'm a Christian or trying to maintain traditional values, but because I believe there are two completely separate holidays that both just happen to share a date and name:

"Christmas A" is the Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.

"Christmas B" is half pagan festival, half consumer feeding frenzy.

"Christmas A" was established by Christian leaders who realized that making their most important holiday coincide with both pagan Yule and the Festival of Sol Invictus would facilitate mass conversion.

"Christmas B" was created primarily by retail chains like Montgomery Ward and Macy's, and given much of its look and feel by Madison Avenue (this is historical fact--not cynicism)

The Christ Child is the central figure of "Christmas A".

"Christmas B" belongs to Santa Claus.

"Christmas A" is exclusively a Christian holiday (though most Christians celebrate a little of both).

"Christmas B" is for EVERYONE! It has nothing to do with God or Jesus, and it's merely about fellowship, joy, and generosity (of both the material and spiritual nature). Sure, you're expected to express these things through rampant consumerism, but is that really such a bad thing?

We're a capitalist society, after all, why not accept that our most important holiday is a celebration of this core principle?

There! I've single-handedly saved two holidays! (I hope Santa reads this blog!)

So pick a Christmas--A...B...both, and make merry already!

Scooter Claus

5 Facts I've Learned About Animals (From Video Games)

2011-12-15T01:24:00.002-06:00

Fact #1: The carapace of an armadillo will allow it to withstand a 500-pound gorilla jumping on it, but if said gorilla does a forward-roll into it, it will immediately perish.

I learned this from: Donkey Kong Country (SNES)

For more 100% totally true facts, follow me after the jump.

(Vadim, I tracked down your missing "r"

--Da Editor)

Fact #2: Not only are poodles great as decorative table pieces, they're also wonderfully tasty when cooked by a Frenchman who can fool himself into thinking he's not cooking a dog.

I learned this from: Secret of Evermore (SNES)

Fact #3: A lot of people thought that Michael J. Fox's basketball abilities in Teen Wolf were, at best, an overly-generous portrayal of the werewolf's notoriously mediocre real-world skills. Those people are incorrect, and proof of this fact is in the picture above.

I learned this from: Basketball Nightmare (Master System)

Fact #4: The turtle (or koopa in Latin) is well known for being placid and moving at a gentle pace. What is less well-known is that, once behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle, the turtle becomes a total fucking asshole that wants nothing more than to hit you with the blue shell when you're, like, fifty feet from the finish line, making you lose to that douchebag Toad. Again.

I learned this from: Super Mario Kart (SNES)

Fact #5: Hedgehogs are sexy, sexy sons of bitches that make me wanna draw lovingly-rendered portraits of them having sex with foxes and echidnas and guys with handlebar moustaches, god how can they stand being so hot I just need to put my junk all over it I need to write 10,000 words on how I just make sweet, tender love to it for hours and hours yeah you like that don't you, you sexy god-whore I need you inside me....

I learned this from: Sonic the Hedgehog (Mega Drive), About 75% of the entire internet.

Fairest of all???

2011-12-08T07:58:00.007-06:00

Thor, Bella, and Eon Flux walk into a bar...

Good Morning my Children. Your den mother has returned and is very confused. I'm sure many of you already know about the new Snow White movie, called Snow White and the Huntsman. Now I love me some fairy tales, particularly when they aren't watered down ala Disney. But in what universe is Kristen Stewart fairer than Charlize Theron????????? No seriously, Kristen Stewart is playing Snow White while the stunning and actually talented Charlize Theron plays the evil queen. Oh and Thor portrays the Huntsman. I don't recognize the Prince at all. I'm in agony cuz I totally love the idea of Theron playing the evil queen, so of course I'm gonna see it when this movie comes out. But it also means watching Ms. Mumbles-a-lot triumphing over the Goddess. Sigh.

Well, I'll be rooting for the queen. Here's the trailer.

Well have a lovely day. Tonight the husband and I will be hanging with Rob Bricken at the Way Station in Brooklyn.

A Private Letter Made Open

2011-11-30T19:50:00.000-06:00

The following is a letter I recently sent to Hyper, Australia's longest-running gaming magazine, a fact I can attest to since I've bought every issue since the day the first one appeared on the shelves in October 1993. It is, of course, intended for my fellow readers, but I think you might get something out of what I have to say, whether or not you agree with it.

Dear Hyperions,
Aaron Dennis here. This is the first time I've written to you guys in years, and I'd like to touch on something I said in a Letter of the Month you guys awarded me years ago. It was called, if I remember correctly, 'Hardcore Vs. Mainstream'. In it I attacked mainstream gamers for their lack of dedication, but as it's been I think over ten years since that letter was published, my opinions have changed dramatically.

Back then, what one needed to do to be 'hardcore' was dedicate the vast majority of his or her time between gaming, reading gaming magazines, and hunting for scraps of info that would add to one's cred. How things have changed!
For starters, I don't even know what 'hardcore' means anymore. Back then it meant loving your hobby to the point of being socially stigmatized, because according to normal people gaming was only for weirdos and geeks (and unlike today the term geek was an insult, as opposed to its current incarnation as a term one takes pride in.) One had to work hard to find information outside of print media - where I lived there was no internet in the mid-to-late 90's - and this only further alienated ourselves from our peers. It was this all-consuming desire to quench our need for anything gaming related that made us 'hardcore'.
But today, that word has lost all meaning. 'Hardcore' today means you play Modern Warfare 3 or Battlefield 3 for six hours a day. 'Hardcore' today means that you own all the current gaming consoles. 'Hardcore' today means you spend at least two hours a day on gaming websites. But the truth is, 'Hardcore' today means absolutely nothing at all.
Why is that? I believe it's because gaming has become just as mainstream as anything else. When you would beg your folks for money to buy a copy of Hyper, NMS, and, if you hated yourself, CVG, it was because you had to know everything you possibly could, and these mags were the only outlets. If you were anything like me, you'd go over the screenshots with a magnifying glass trying to glean as much data as you possibly could. You would read and re-read every review and preview because there was so little information available to you so you worked your arse off just trying to squeeze as much insight out of the mags as possible.
Nowadays, you can spend five minutes on the internet to find out everything about a game instead of having to wait for months, crossing your fingers in the hope that the next issue would have a little more information on a title you were dying to learn about. But there was purity to that, because this was before game development studios had an army of PR guys to shove data in your faces. Game studios at the time didn't care about such things because the gamer demographic was so small and so dedicated, that there was no need for spin or out-and-out lies. They gave us the straight dope, as did the magazines.
Like my man James Hetfield says, "Time Marches On". I thought I was as hardcore as it got when I was a kid, but now I place myself firmly in the 'mainstream' camp, or to use the terminology of today, the 'casual' camp. Why? Because as the industry gained acceptance from the masses (not to mention their money), they were able to do so much more. Not just in game design, but also in advertising and building acceptance for the medium. Game studios sprang up all over the world, and with the advent of online tools like Blogger et.al the number of websites dedicated solely to gaming exploded. I used to be on top of the goings on in gaming, because print media could only devote a certain amount of space for news, meaning only the important stories were mentioned. Now, if I want to know what John Carmack had for lunch, I can find out in ten seconds. There may be an upside to that kind of thing, but the downside is I have to sift through tons of crap just to find the one piece of information I'm after. I don't have time for that these days, so I just... don't.
I'd rather be in the dark, only catching glimpses of the marvellous structures of our gaming world. But if I chose to stare at them, I know for a fact that those amazing edifices would eventually all blend in to form a lustreless, uniform skyline.

NERD=LIBERAL? TTOS Answers A Question That Never Should Have Been Asked

2011-11-15T00:07:00.003-06:00

Video Games

Good Evening.

There's some serious shit going down tonight in Nerddom--so if you came here hoping for the usual escapist fluff, you might wanna come back next time.

It started at Topless Robot when this was posted. (take a look if you haven't yet--it's gonna come up)

Getting into political issues on a website that's ostensibly dedicated to Nerd News is rarely a good idea...Hell, it's not that much better of an idea on websites ABOUT politics! The Internet has the mystical power to bring out the worst in some people: And when you give such people a controversial issue, it's like dripping blood in a shark tank.

Follow me after the jump.

Amongst the usual trollish nonsense, someone asked the question that concerns us tonight--I'll quote directly:

"Why the hell does the nerd subculture have to be overwhelmingly leftist?"

I do not know the individual who asked this question--so I'm going to keep his identity (or rather, the identity he made up for the Internet) out of this. I WILL say that his screen name sounds like something he made up on the fly specifically to annoy Liberal readers, and his Disqus profile shows no activity save for the comments he's made on TR today (all of a similar stripe), and one comment on Frank Miller Ink--the website that started this nonsense. Once again, I quote:

"Goddamn, there's a plethora of liberal whiny douchebags in the comic fandom."

Sooo....ARE we Nerds "Overwhelmingly Leftist"?

Well, to be honest: Kinda.

I just want to know WHY in Crom's name it should matter? We go to places like TR to talk about video games and toys and comic books and TV shows and movies--not politics...If I'm discussing Star Wars with somebody online, I'm not gonna shift the conversation to the Iraq Wars!

Now, Conservative Nerds (and I fully recognize that you exist) would say that we (yes, I'm a Liberal--that should surprise no one) made it an issue when Rob posted Miller's rant about the Occupy Wall Street movement. And, they DO have a point...But should they really be surprised? If they've considered themselves part of the "subculture" for more than, oh, a few weeks, then they surely have noticed that the majority of us tend to be "left of center" in our political views.

Call me callous, but frankly: Deal with it. As a Liberal, if I were, say, an Evangelical Christian, I'd understand quite well that my political ideology was in the minority...I'm not saying I wouldn't make my opinions known, but I wouldn't bemoan the state of my religion: I knew what I was getting into.

You don't need to muzzle yourselves, Conservative Nerds (Conservanerds?), but no one's buying the martyr routine: You're NOT an "oppressed minority". 9 times out of 10 your political affiliation will neither be applicable to your life as a Nerd, nor important. Focus on the reasons you call yourself a Nerd in the first place: The interests and enthusiasms you share with fellow Nerds--not the trivial differences.

Here's another example: Consider the Log Cabin Republicans--the organization formed by homosexuals in the GOP. Surely these individuals are aware that the majority of their fellow Party-members either have no concern for issues regarding the gay community, or are actively hostile to it...Yet they remain staunch Republicans--why? Because there are essential, core principles and ideals the Party stands for that these individuals support. The Log Cabin Republicans have apparently decided that these principles are what truly matter, and any other ways they may differ in opinion with their fellows are inconsequential.

And this is an ACTUAL political group I'm talking about--if they can do it, surely an essentially apolitical community like ours can do the same. I'm not saying they're RIGHT...I'm just illustrating that it can be done.

But if you're still focused on the question of "Why?"--well, let's address this:

First I'm going to explore the question of why Conservative Nerds are apparently the minority. Let's start by looking at a few common ideals associated with Conservatism. Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list of everything Conservatives believe, nor do I mean to imply that ALL Conservatives hold these ideals:

NATIONALISM: Nerds are a multicultural and cosmopolitan subculture. Many American Nerds, particularly those who are involved in online communities and social networks, have friends who live in other countries. Plus there's the well-known affinity many Nerds have for the products of other cultures: Anime and Manga from Japan, tv comedies from Great Britain, off-the-wall cinema from India or Mexico, et cetera. Such things tend to produce a more "Global" perspective. Not to say Nerds can't be patriots: Speaking as a Liberal Nerd, I love my country--and the fact that I am free to point out its flaws is one of the greatest things about it!

But it's neither perfect nor infallible, and a great many American Liberal Nerds would agree with me.

RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: And yes, I'm referring primarily to Christianity. Out of pure curiousity, I once took a poll of my FB Group concerning religious beliefs. The results were telling: Atheists/Humanists/Agnostics, and those who claim NO affiliation whatsoever made up the vast majority. Nerds tend to be intellectuals and rationalists, and while many have an interest in matters of the occult or supernatural, they rarely translate to serious faith. Organized religion has long been seen as contrary to logic, reason, science, and those who question the nature of the universe. Whether this perception is accurate is immaterial--it exists, and tends to turn many Nerds away from so limiting a world-view.

ABSOLUTISM: By which I mean the notion that the world is "Black or White", no shades of gray. For similar reasons that many Nerds reject Nationalism and Fundamentalism, Absolutism is seen as just too strict and limiting: When one exposes oneself to multiple perspectives and ideas via cinema, art, literature, the Internet, and so forth, one realizes just how immense the world--nay, the universe is, and how little we as humans understand of it.

Absolutism is reduced to absurdity in the face of an infinite universe.

MILITARISM: Not EVERY Nerd has been a target of bullying or persecution, but I'll go out on a limb and say almost every Nerd has known someone who has--IF they have not themselves. As a community, we're quite acquainted with the notion of being pushed around by those who consider themselves "stronger" or "better" somehow. And therefore, most of us reject, or at least are uncomfortable with, the idea of solving problems through force.

Understand, this is in NO way intended as disrespect for the men and women of the Armed Forces: They're good, hardworking people and deserve all the support we can give them...It's not their fault that those in command occasionally have somewhat questionable priorities.

Okay--so I've shown you a few possible reasons why a Nerd might NOT be a Conservative...but does it necessarily follow from this that so many of us should be Liberals? What precisely about a Left of Center ideology attracts our community?

CREATIVITY: No, I don't mean to say that Conservatives can't be creative people--but the tendencies to try new things, invest in new ideas, take risks, be imaginative, and explore uncharted territory are, quite simply, more often associated with Liberalism. I don't really know if there's any more to say here--it's just kinda the way it is.

ACCEPTANCE: I'll admit, we as a community have stumbled here on occasion--particularly in our treatment of female Nerds--but this is changing, and women are rapidly becoming the vanguard of modern Nerdity. In general, Nerds are accepted regardless of race, nationality, gender, age, economic status, religious beliefs, physical appearance, or sexual orientation.

CHARITY: The camaraderie many among the Nerd community feel for their fellows often translates to a desire to help their communities or do work for good causes. Paul Ference and Becky Clark, two members of my Group, recently participated in "Skulls For Tots", a sponsored HALO marathon that raised money for Child's Play, a charity that provides video games to sick children, for example.

There are other aspects, certainly, but this should give something of an idea as to why so many of us go left rather than right. But remember: All in all, politics and Nerdery should, whenever possible, be kept SEPARATE! There's just no good reason why they should be combined, and it only leads to alienation, anger, and confusion when they are.

We're NERDS! Don't we have enough to contend with as it is?

The Scoot Factor

I AM SCOOTER--SCOOTER ATREIDES, LISTMASTER OF BRICKEN!

2011-11-13T23:44:00.000-06:00

Video Games

Hail, Bloglings!

Through a complicated set of circumstances, I have been granted the honor of serving Topless Robot in a new capacity beyond simply writing Daily Lists.

Henceforth, I am accepting submissions from TR readers who wish to join me, and my talented colleagues, among the ranks of TR's freelance writers!

Rob is always looking for more writers and more lists, but simply running TR 5 days a week is a full-time job in itself, and he's only human! There just aren't enough hours in the day for one Nerd to read and evaluate the numerous reader submitted lists TR is sent daily.

That's where I come in!

By reading and assessing submitted lists, I can help lighten the load somewhat--not to toot my own horn, but if I consider a List good enough for TR to publish, Rob can be reasonably certain that reading it is worth his time.

Now granted, I'm just a middleman: The fact that I consider a list worthy of publication is NO GUARANTEE that Rob will feel the same way--and though he'll cetainly take my opinion into account, he is under no obligation to agree with me.

SO! Anybody have any List ideas? If you do, send 'em to me! ^_^

Please understand: I'm NOT TR's answer to St. Peter! I don't have absolute power over which lists Rob reads and which he doesn't. There's an email address for Topless Robot right at the top of the Site's front page: Anyone is perfectly welcome to submit their material to Rob "directly". The problem with this avenue is that's the normal site address--the one I was referring to when I talked about the numerous submissions Rob gets on a daily basis...I'm not implying he ignores contributions sent via that address, I'm just saying it might take him some time to get around to them. And I speak from experience: In my early days as a TR reader, I sent Rob a request to contribute by way of said address--I never heard back: Only the fact that I won a t-shirt--which subsequently got lost in the mail--got me in contact with Rob long enough for to properly sell him on the idea of having me write for TR.

IF you send your lists to me, and I think they're the kind of thing TR would publish, then I will send them to Rob's personal email address. As I said: I can't guarantee that you will be published--but I CAN guarantee that you will be read!

If you are a member of my FB Group, then you've already been informed of all this, and a few of you are working on lists as I speak--but I wanted you folks who remain skittish about becoming part of the Hive-Mind to have an opportunity to contribute as well!

A few things a potential List Writer needs to know: Your first list (and the first few after that--if applicable) should be written in the third person: Use "We" and "Us", not "I" and "Me". Once you're established, you'll be able to write in the first person (I can't say when this will happen: Your experience as a List Writer will likely differ from mine--every case is unique).

Also, all submissions will be judged fairly and objectively--there are many of you out there reading this that I consider friends, but I'll be showing no favoritism: If I don't think your work is the kind of thing TR would publish, I will tell you so (politely and constructively).

If you have an idea you feel has merit, but needs work--I'm perfectly willing to offer any assistance I can in perfecting it.

You can contact me by email at scooteratreides@gmail.com, or follow the above link to my Facebook Group (though you DO NOT have to join, or become a "Friend", for me to read your submission) You are welcome to begin by simply discussing a basic idea for a list, or telling me what the entries would be, but you need to write up an ACTUAL complete list if you want to be considered for publication. Pictures, video clips, or the like are NOT necessary at this stage--I'm only judging text.

So there you have it! I hope to hear from you folks soon: Thanks! and GOOD LUCK!!!

Scoot of Lists

The Elusive 2nd T-shirt

2011-11-10T07:56:00.003-06:00

Good morning my children. Your den mother has returned to share one of the rarities of geekhood. Yesterday, I got in the mail the elusive second Topless Robot t-shirt. I am beyond thrilled that all my hard work of rediscovering an old hobby i.e. goddamn cross-stitching, yielded this positive result. Here are BOTH of my t-shirts proudly displayed...on my carpet.

The new t-shirt is the one on the right. I asked for one size bigger as the one on the left is a tad tight around my chest. And thus, I am VICTORIOUS!

Have a nice day.

MY NEW HEADER PIC F#CKING RULES!!!

2011-11-03T23:30:00.001-05:00

Video Games

That is all....Carry on!

Your Humble Scoot

SEASONS CREEPINGS TO ONE AND ALL!

2011-10-31T18:25:00.000-05:00

Video Games

Halloween puts a gleam in The Joltess' eye...either that or she's caught a whiff of some fresh brains!

It's Halloween!

Which means starting tomorrow I can actually write about something else!

Here's a little gift for humoring me for the past few days: The inimitable Voltaire has rewritten his Gothic-Snark classic "The Vampire Club" to serve as a boot up the ass to Twilight fans everywhere.

I'll have more creepifying goodness as the night progresses.

Scoot's Earthly Remains

HALLOWEENING CONTINUED

2011-10-30T23:30:00.078-05:00

Video Games

Zombie Debra is HUNGRY!

Happy Very Early Halloween Morning!

Let's see what I've got in the goodie bag!

Yep, I figured out how Blogger wants me to embed videos--woulda been nice if they'd sent me a message explaining how it's done now...As opposed to dicking around for 3 days until I figured it out through sheer "trial and error". :P

If you're a contributor here, and need to know how to do it, send me an email, message me on FB, or just ask in the comments: No need to bore the peoples with details ;)

That's Alice Cooper's famous performance of Welcome to My Nightmare from The Muppet Show.

The original video is up at my Facebook Group.

Also, I've included a little something for my loyal Taoists after the jump: Halloween hotties! Vampires, demons, zombies, and other alluring creatures of the night--including a couple I "created" myself in the manner of the Zombified photos of my dear contributors and friends that you've all enjoyed at the opening of each of these Halloween posts.

I must point out, however, that a few of the photos included push the envelope of "work safety", and I'd suggest you err on the side of caution and wait until you get home to hit the jump.

Scoot of The Dead

My first full-body "Zombification": The lovely Sarah Michelle

This is Zombie Charlotte from my FB Group--if she wasn't undead, I'm sure that corset would kill her.

FURTHER HALLOWEEN RANDOMNESS (Or Random Halloween-ness)

2011-10-30T01:19:00.001-05:00

Video Games

Halloween Greetings From Zom-Bri!

Well, Blogger isn't allowing me to embed ANYTHING--not just Youtube, which totally fucks my Halloween blog-posting plans.

So here's an unbelievably awesome pic from DeviantArt someone was kind enough to post at TR.

This is what "Genius" looks like.

I'll have something more substantial tomorrow, I promise!

Too late for anything ambitious tonight.

Until tomorrow, kiddies!

The Walking Scoot

RANDOM HALLOWEEN STUFF--PART TWO: SCAAARY MUUUSIC!!!

2011-10-27T00:17:00.002-05:00

Video Games

Zombie Colleen says: "Happy Halloween! And does anyone have a napkin?"

Boo!

Tonight I've got three kickass music videos that always get me in the Halloweeny spirit:
The Cure's "Lullaby", "Pet Sematary" by The Ramones, and finally--going WAY back, Alice Cooper's "Welcome To My Nightmare"

HOWEVER!

Blogger, in its infinite glitchiness, has decreed that I shall not be permitted to embed videos this evening! >_<

So here's what I'm gonna do. Here's the link to "Lullaby" on Youtube: http://youtu.be/oOHQs405XcU

You can also find it at my FB Group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/scooteratreides

(Btw, Blogger? FB embeds Youtube vids AUTOMATICALLY when you post the link, Fuckstick!)

Sorry--I'm too annoyed to offer you anymore...Let's try this again tomorrow, huh?

NEW LAYOUT, AND RANDOM HALLOWEEN STUFF (PART ONE)

2011-10-26T02:59:00.003-05:00

Video Games

Happy Halloween from Zombie Lizzie!

Hi folks!

I've re-organized and streamlined TTOS, hope you like it--I've had the sneaking suspicion that the layout was simply too cluttered and busy for a while now...The header pic is, of course, the iconic zombie girl from the original Night of the Living Dead, she'll be up until the 31st.

And until then, I'll be offering little tidbits of Halloweeny goodness every day (I've got time to kill--the two people I spend the most time in the evening communicating with are both indisposed for at least a few days).

Oh, and that indeed is TTOS' own Boredlizzie up there, compliments of photo editing site Picnik.

It's almst 3AM here, so I'll leave you with a picture one of my roommates just blew me the fuck away with...Seriously folks, I've livd with this guy for almost 2 years, and I had NO clue he had this kind of talent!

See you tomorrow night, kiddies!

The Crypt Scooter

Cross-stitching: Knowing this shit used to be mandatory...

2011-10-23T16:03:00.006-05:00

Hello My Children. Hope you had a lovely weekend. Your den mother spent a goodly portion of it taking up Rob Bricken's challenge to cross-stitch "No Bitch Can't Fuck My Red Ass" from the most recent FFF in return for a TR shirt. Yes I have already won a t-shirt, but my evil evil washing machine has ripped a tiny hole in it. Anyway, I used to be very good at cross-stitching, a skill I learned in Girl Scouts (along with proper fire construction and "To help people at all times"). However, I have not done any of this since high school. I'm guessing about 15 years. And the pattern I got didn't have the image printed on it, I had to go by the pattern and fucking count stitches. So it took me forever. But it is finally finished! I have completed it last night at around 2a.m. Here's my prezzie to Rob.

It took longer to do the flowers and the bird then the rest of the stuff that I free-handed...You know learning to do embroidery and stuff like this used to be mandatory knowledge for women. I'm kinda glad that it can just be a hobby now. I have gotten back into it and got more patterns...this time i made sure they were ones with the images printed on the material...won't go back to counting stitches until I get better at this.

MY MST3K YOUTUBE HALOWEEN SIMULCAST: As Advertised.

2011-10-22T13:44:00.003-05:00

Video Games

Afternoon Poison Squirrels! XD

The simulcast is starting in about 15 minutes (more like 3 minutes--had some trouble with embedding):

Or, join us at my Youtube Group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/scooteratreides/?notif_t=group_activity If you're not already a member, better get a move on if you wanna watch it with us!

Feel free to comment here, I'll be checking up every now and then.

Happy week before Halloween! I'll have a few seasonally appropriate posts for you folks sometime this week.

Enjoy!

HALLOWEEN, DIVAS, AND WHERE THE HELL I'VE BEEN FOR SO LONG

2011-10-15T14:39:00.002-05:00

Video Games

Hi Peoples!

I've been away a criminally long time, I know. And there's no GOOD excuse, so I won't bother coming up with a bad one.

Been writing a crap-ton for TR--saving money for something special...Hopefully I'll tell you all about it sometime in the relatively near future.

My Facebook Group is up to 73 members: If you're part of The Collective, feel free to join!

Lessee...What's going on? Hmm...

I hope everyone has enjoyed the works of my loyal ~~underpants~~ underlings...Vadim Stoger-Ruitz has been especially prolific, and I thank him for keeping the Taoist masses entertained with his sharp Aussie wit!

Halloween's a' comin!

And though I don't have anything interesting to do IRL...again! I AM running an MST3K simulcast the way I did Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those of you in the FB Group already know about it, but I'm also gonna embed the video here on Oct. 22nd at 2:00 PM Central Time for you folks who are allergic to Facebook. I have to admit, it WILL be more fun to watch with us in the Group, as we're taking over the Facechat to talk live during the movie--which is a lot easier and more convenient than chatting in the TTOS comments section...Still, I'll be keeping an eye out for anyone who prefers to come here, and comments will be answered (might be a tad slow, though)

I PROMISE I'll have a proper-type article for you peoples very soon! Y'know? Something with an actual subject an real thoughts--Honest! Trust me! XD

As a token of my appreciation for your faith in me, here's a pic one one of my Group members shared of Mary Elizabeth Winstead: Better known to Nerddom as Ramona Flowers.

No, no...Thank YOU!

Oh, and as the title suggests, I've got some Divas for you! Two, in fact! Both are old friends of TTOS and members of my FB Group (where you can find more photos): Diana Hulburt, AKA "Menshevixen"--and another friend, who has requested I not reveal her Secret Identity: "Platinum Doll".

As per usual, I'll show you the "Before" pics here, and the "Divolved" images after the jump--here's Diana:

And this is Platinum Doll:

Now hit the jump and see what too much free time and a PS3 has done to them.

We begin with Diana's requests: Catwoman, and Domino:

These next two I chose for her: Mirror Universe Star Trek, and Mr. B Natural (because I'm a horrible person):

Now for Platinum Doll. She picked all of her costumes herself and they are (in order): Evil Librarian (not a character...just a real EVIL librarian!), Lady Blackhawk (another Comic character I've never heard of) Ramona Flowers (NOT my best work), and Roxy Richter (Ramona's sole female Evil Ex, from Scott Pilgrim--and one of my finest creations)

And there you have it! Two new additions to my growing army of the Divolved!

Oh, and here's a bonus:

You folks remember our good friend Bri Buckley, right? Well--just in case:

Bri was Divolved a few weeks ago, but just for laughs, here she is in an alternate outfit as Pearl Forrester:

^_^!!!

Talk to you Peoples later!

Scoot (Y'know...The guy what has his name in the title)

My Complicated Relationship With Neon Genesis Evangelion

2011-10-14T22:54:00.006-05:00

To say I love Neon Genesis Evangelion (from here on out to be referred to as EVA) is an understatement. It is one of the few things that fundamentally changed my life, in ways I’m still discovering to this day, around 13 years after I originally saw it. However, the only thing I feel as strongly as my love for the show is my hatred for speaking about it.

Why? Partly because, even though EVA’s influence on anime, manga, and other art forms cannot be denied, it’s still not considered ‘cool’ by pop-culture vultures. This is because the stereotypical view of the average EVA fan is one of an emo kid who thinks the show’s heavy-handed references to Western religions is “like, ohmygod deepest! Thing! Evarrrrrrr!!!!”, the kind of person who watches the show with the sound off and every My Chemical Romance song playing in the background so they can try and find ‘Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz’-type parallels. Even though I pride myself on not really giving a crap about others’ opinions on my tastes, this is still not a crowd I want to be associated with. Which is weird, because as you’ll soon see, if anything I’m even worse than that emo kid in my love for the show.

The main reason I refuse to talk about the show is because it’s mine, goddamnit!!! As I mentioned, the show changed who I am as a human being. It affected me so deeply, and so personally, that I refuse to speak about it because that effect on me is sacred, and to share it would be to cheapen it.

The other reason is the definition of ‘ridiculous’. Literally millions saw this show and loved it, and felt transmuted by it, just like I was. But I’m too scared to talk to those people because I know that if I do, they will tell me how it so profoundly affected and changed them, and I’ll know that my relationship to it isn’t special; it’s typical. And as I described, EVA and its utter transmutational influence is, out of all the things in life I hold sacred, holy, sacrosanct, at the very the top of the heap. It is my Ultimate. And I just could not bear to find out that my communion with it is not only not unique, but common.

So this is why I have never been, and never will be, drawn into a conversation about EVA. The reason I wrote this piece is so I could purge: The guilt I feel for the silly way I revere the show is massive, so I just had to put it into words. I had to put in in a form that I would find confronting, so I could come face-to-face with all of this, and hopefully find a little peace.

But if you ever fucking try to talk to me about EVA, I’ll fucking kill you.

DJRM presents Sexy Sharing Time with Art

2011-10-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome everyone to Sexy Sharing Time.
Today we will be sharing some sexy art.
As some of you know I am a writer and I have recently been commissioning artwork of the characters from my stories and whenever possible I like my characters to be sexy.

So to begin with here is something hopefully everyone can enjoy.

The cast of my original story Dragon Spirit, at the beach.
For more information on Dragon Spirit and its characters check the link

Next we have this couple you might recognize from my previous Story Time Sharing Corner feature.

This is Zoe and Brian from my original story The Vicious Planet, in their underwear.
Here is a link to what they look like with their clothes on.

I think this will be a very short Sexy Sharing Time. I don't want to give everything away at once so I will save the rest for next time.
I parting I leave you with an image of Shark Jesus.

DID SOMEBODY ORDER AN EXTRA-LARGE SERVING OF WEIRD?!!

2011-10-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

This is technically SFW, but... well, just see if you can make it through to the end.

All-Time Favorite Australian Comedy: 'ROGER EXPLOSION!'

2011-10-06T17:39:00.002-05:00

This is a skit from the 90's, taken from what was probably the best skit show Australia ever produced: Full Frontal. (I'd say it was the best comedy show we ever produced, but in my opinion that honour goes to Review with Myles Barlow; track it down if you can.) The delightful chap portraying Roger Explosion is Shaun Micallef, a former lawyer who's gone on to have an illustrious career in comedy.

Cultural Conditioning - Kool Aid

2011-10-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

This originally appeared on my personal blog, Shadow Filter, but I'm reposting it, just to see if anyone else had the same Kool-Aid experience I did - (ed.)

When I was a kid, me and my brother used to frequent a second-hand bookstore, where we would exchange our old books (actually, more often it was Mum's old books) for comics like Archie and Donald Duck; what at the time seemed like stories sent straight from big-city America to a couple of small-town Aussie kids. But it wasn't the stories themselves that made them seem like they had come from the heart of a familiar yet somehow different nation; the fact that Veronica was a giant bitch to Betty and Archie wasn't the kind of thing that made you think 'Woah! Those Americans sure are weird!'. No, it was the ads that made you think that. It seemed American kids my age spent all day selling cards or whatever to earn enough sales to get a bike or a portable TV, then went home for a dinner made up of various Hostess-brand cakes and pies, and went to sleep under the loving gaze of a tank full of sea-monkeys.

Apparently, they also drank copious amounts of something called Kool-Aid. Why they would do something that crazy always stumped me: Wouldn't they be attracting the attention of Kool-Aid Man? I'd see an ad for for the drink where two kids, seemingly home alone, would be tired from playing in the yard and keen for something to drink. One of them would mention Kool-Aid, and WHAM! A giant anthropomorphic jug, full of something the colour of blood, would smash through a goddamn wall, scream 'OH YEAH!', and give the children glasses of his own life-blood. It seemed to me, at the time, like he was using fear to recruit children into some sort of cult.

Then, with the house already so damaged structurally that it could collapse at any moment, the children would imbibe the Kool-Aid, which apparently made them oblivious to their impending deaths in a house collapse. After that, it seemed Kool-Aid man would take their blood, fill himself with it, then get other kids to drank it after he'd smashed through their house, thus repeating the cycle. Needless to say, this scared the crap out of me.

I'm assuming that the reason I felt this way was because I wasn't brought up knowing what the product was, or that the whole bursting through walls thing was part of his persona. But if you wouldn't mind commenting on this article if you were born in America, I'd like to know what you thought of these ads, if you thought of them at all.

Mastering the System: So, What Happened Behind the NES's Back?

2011-10-06T04:11:00.001-05:00

The Sega Master System II, the refined version of the original console

In America during the 8-bit era, the NES reigned supreme. Even though, at its release, sales weren't high due to the fact that many retailers refused to stock them (even when Nintendo of America told retailers that they would put the product on shelves and set up displays for free, and would not charge shops for units that weren't sold) reception was lukewarm. Of course, as we all know, after the appearance of a certain plumber who had a thing for stomping things to death and princesses (much like today's plumbers), the console sold like gangbusters, dragging a fledgling form of entertainment into the spotlight after years of the gaming industry reeking like a mouldering corpse, due to the over-production and under-selling clones of the ironically named Pong.

All told, the NES moved 61.91 million units worldwide. The Master System/MSII only shipped 13 million. But the main impetus of this article can be found after the jump.

I'm here today to talk about the utterly flogged loser of the 8-bit console wars, Sega's Master System (henceforth, it will be referred to as the MS, even though I'll really be talking about the Master System II, the improved version of the console).

I grew up in an impoverished area on the North Coast of New South Wales, Australia. An area that, if it's known for anything, is for the acres and acres of sugarcane and the processing plant for same, which is only one of three in the entire country. The reason I mention this is to help explain why the MS was the console of choice; it was available, and more importantly, it was cheap. The NES just wasn't seen in what was the only supermarket in the area, a K-Mart, I assume because Sega's re-released version of the MS, the Master System II, seemed to be more current to the owners and therefore more worthy of the shelf-space in the minuscule section of the store reserved for electronics. And because the console was so cheap, it was an easy gift idea for Christmases and birthdays among the working-class families that to this day permeate this part of the world.

So the vast majority of kids had a MS, and even now, if I were to go down to my local pub and hum the theme music from Alex Kidd in Miracle World, the game that came built into the MSII, I'd get so many people joining in that to an outside observer it would appear that we'd all gone mad.

This came built in...

...to this.

It was a console of so many personal firsts for those of us lucky enough to have them. For example, it was because of this console that I discovered the idea of working and saving for game money (I was quite young when it entered my life), doing all mine and my brother's chores and saving the cash instead of blowing it on football cards, or candy. (But I must admit, even nineteen years later, I still have trouble sometimes trying not blowing my game cash on candy!) The first game I bought for the console was Shadow of the Beast, which was advertised as being the hardest game ever made, and that no one had ever beaten it. When I did finish it, I was literally shaking so bad that I dropped the glass of water I needed because my mouth was so try from the tension of the last battle. It smashed, sending shards all over the floor; I ended up cutting myself quite bad, leaving a scar I still have to this day.

It was also the first time I saw a character so cool, so rad, so interactive that for years after I begged, borrowed, and on one occasion, stole, to get every subsequent title in the franchise, just so I could keep up with his and his friends' adventures. He was also the guy that got my Mu into gaming, and to this day he's her favorite character from her favorite game. Who was that character?

This guy, of course!

Trades were the main way to try new games, partly because it took forever to save enough for a new one. But mainly because, in my case, I once overheard my brother telling a friend of his that he "didn't have to worry about buying games because my idiot younger brother will do all my chores to pay for one, and because it's my console I'll just take it off him and play it whenever I want!"

And competition was fierce for certain games. Anyone that had a copy of Basketball Nightmare automatically became the God of the Playground. Why?

Backflip-dunking werewolves. That's why.

It was an amazing game, where you controlled a team of human b-ballers playing against teams of werewolves, vampires, and other b-film legends. One of the greatest days of my life was when I chanced upon a copy at a guy's house, which he lent me gratis. Then I went home, and found not one but two of the things in the house that we only ever used to have at Christmas: Coca-Cola and chocolate! There I was, playing my favorite game, eating my favorite food and drinking my favorite drink in a house I had all to myself, meaning I didn't have to turn it off because my Dad wanted to watch news or sport. To this day, I yearn for that time in my life when a few basic pleasures were so fulfilling and so joyful that I felt... well, complete.

The other game that conferred God-status on anyone with a copy was this:

RC Grand Prix. It was the first game I'd ever played that let you purchase upgrades with your winnings, made even cooler by the fact that you were buying RC car components as opposed to just normal engines and turbos and such.

But the real revelation provided to me by the Master System was encountering a genre of game I had no idea existed. Sports games, platformers, and racing games, while exciting, were games that followed a format that even this early on in gaming were old hat. But, until I hired this game...

I had never even heard of what I came to know as the 'RPG'.

I cannot overstate the impact this game had on me. Sure, I loved every opportunity I had to play Basketball Nightmare and Sonic the Hedgehog, but I was fucking tethered to Phantasy Star like a baby to an umbilical cord; it was my life, utterly and completely. When I played this game, nothing, nothing at all, existed outside of the world of the game. It was punishingly hard, poorly translated, and even for the MS the graphics were pretty crappy, but I'd never before experienced the kind of immersion this game provided. My school work suffered, and I lied to friends that wanted to have sleep-overs, and all of that and whatever horrible things I did was totally worth it! I ate, drank and slept nothing but Phantasy Star whenever I could hire it, and when I couldn't afford to it was still the number one thing on my mind. I'm so grateful for this game; without it, I don't know if I ever would have gotten into JRPG's, meaning I may have missed out on seminal titles like Final Fantasy VII and Secret of Mana and Breath of Fire II and Terranigma. And even if I did, I wouldn't have had the familiarity with the genre that deepened my enjoyment of those, and many other, games from the likes of Squaresoft, Enix and Capcom.

This Owlbear was normally the first thing you'd fight in Phantasy Star, and you would not believe how many times it killed me.

So, ladies and gentlemen, that's why, when you're discussing your golden memories of the 8-bit era, you shouldn't forget to at the very least mention the Master System. I owe it my gaming life, because without it my world, both virtual and real, would have been so much darker.

2011-10-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

Video Games
I'll be doing a piece on the Sega Master System (and the MS II), because, with the majority of readers here being from the States, they're exposure to 8-bit gaming came from the NES; I want to let you know that, in a lot of countries outside the States, the Master System as by far the stronger-selling console.

I'll post here he images I've collected for research, and if you could give me a little feedback, including which games I should look at, it would be much appreciated:

Here they are. Let me know if you've played any of these so I can choose a direction for the article. Thank you for your time!

Addendum: Muggles Vs. Voldemort and all the plot holes as well

2011-09-24T20:04:00.006-05:00

Hello My Children. Your den mother here with an addendum to my Muggles vs. Voldemort posts. I oft times go on Cracked.com because its fucking hysterical and has possibly the greatest lists ever, even better than TR lists (SORRY JAMES & BRI!) Anyway, I found THIS video that pretty much makes the same points that my friend Loren and I have gone over multiple times. Enjoy! My favorite point from this vid: We can shoot people with a thousand rockets from space...with I-Phones.

Why The Harry Potter Universe Is Secretly Terrifying -- powered by Cracked.com

Aaron's Oz Music Track of the Week! 1st Installment

2011-09-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

This is a weekly feature I'll be doing to give our U.S readers an idea of what Australian music is, and what it has to offer. I won't be writing introductions (apart from this one) unless it's to explain who the artist is, and when tjhe song was originally released. For this installment we'll start of with something fun: This is Art Vs. Science with their break-out song 'Parlez-vous francais?', which emp[loys the best use of mimes ever. Two words: MIME FIGHT!!! Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think in the comments.

MORE PICS! AND THEY'RE ALL HAND-MADE BY ME! (Well, computer-made by me.)

2011-09-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

Hello all! This is my second installment of my image-sharing series, and the difference is that in my previous article on images they were all scavenged by me from other websites; in this installment all the images were created by me. Follow me after the jump, where I'll give a very brief rundown of the process I use to do these images, and the possible uses for them. JUUUUUMP!!! DOO IT!!! DOO IT NAOW!!! JUMP OUTTA DA HELICOPTAH!!!

Wow, you really did jump outta da choppa! How brave you are, intrepid internet reader!

Seriously though, for many years now I've been doing what I guess could generally referred to as 'art', in that these aren't photo manipulations, or created images containing people, landscapes, or animals; they are, for want of a better term, 'abstracts'. Here's a very early example of the typical type of what I do:

This was one of the very first images I'd ever done, using a hired PC. It was waaaaaay too terrible to be able to run any version of Photoshop, so it was done using MS Paint, and an early version of Paint Shop Pro

Because I did so many of my earlier works on that cruddy PC, I got very familiar with both those programs, and the vision I had for the types of images I wanted to do started to take shape. I know that sounds pretentious, like I thought of myself as some 'artiste' who's vision was a divine inspiration. Nothing could be further from the truth; all I was interested in was making stuff that would look cool as my PC wallpaper. This was long before I even had the internet, let alone a program called Webshots.

Some years later, when I got a better PC that I actually owned, and also a copy of Adobe Photoshop from a friend, I still started (and still do start) every image in MS Paint, which I use to just spread a bunch of solid colours that I want in the final product around the 1024x768 canvas. Then I'll take that into PS, and 'swirl' them together, so as to have some movement without utterly blending the solid colours into some mélange that turns all those purples, pinks, blues and greens into a gross colour that just looks like something drunken me vomited onto the monitor.

Anyway, that's enough of my 'artistic process'. All these images I've always done, and still do from time to time when to mood takes me, are in my mind just wallpapers. Some I've used as backgrounds on mine or friends' websites; I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you look at these images, please don't think that I consider them not-fuck-withable or sacred; I see them as cool backgrounds that can help set the tone of a site, or a desktop. So feel free to copy and use them, or screw with them, any way you see fit! So enough of my ramblings, here's a few (and the quality varies quite a lot due to some being over a decade old) that I hope you like!

Creepy Precognition

2011-09-14T19:25:00.007-05:00

You have entered the Twilight Zone...

Beware of Shatner overacting.

Hello My Children. Den Mother here to talk about a recent bout of precognition. What's that? Well its more or less seeing something before it happens. Most of humanity has this in varying degrees. Ever think of a song and then it plays on the radio? Stuff like that. For me, this happens fairly often. Occasionally I dream of something that will occur, but not often. Its mostly inconsequential shit like the example I gave. A few days ago, I was guessing wacky names for a girl who wouldn't tell me her name at the library and I said "OCTOPUS!" and her mother drew out a book with Octopus in the title literally at the same time I called it out. Stupid shit like that.

Today I had such a moment. As I was driving to work, I randomly thought about a time teaching preschool. At the end of the day, all the remaining kids were outside on the playground and we found a praying mantis larking about on the Jungle Gym. This was only the second time I had seen a Praying Mantis in my life, outside of animal reservations or zoos. As they look like leaves, they are very hard to see in the wild. I wondered what my babysitting charge, Cecilia, would make of one. Two hours later, we see THIS outside on my apartment building...

Just so you know, I bite off the heads of my mates...tee hee...

Again, this is only the THIRD time in 31 years I had ever seen a praying mantis in the wild. So yeah, creepy moment of precognition. Oh and Cecilia thought it was cool judging by her wide eyed look, smile, and repeated attempts to grab it as I was taking pictures. In addition, females really do bite off the heads of their mates...during the act.

Interesting Post Script. My parents are from NYC. The weekend they moved up to the small town in Westchester, a Praying Mantis landed on my mom's shoulder while she was hanging out laundry to dry... She said that the shriek she let out probably could be heard in the next town over and almost made her pack up and move back to the Bronx.

This One's for You, Colleen!

2011-09-13T15:33:00.003-05:00

Video Games

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH DOING AN ALAN RICKMAN IMPRESSION. On the Jonathan Ross show. Is it Christmas? It must be Christmas!

(Cumberbatch's Rickman impression is at 13 min 15 sec into the video)

This video is dedicated to Colleen, who will fully understand and appreciate its awesomeness, and why I made a sound like a penguin being pumped full of helium when I saw it!

Now imagine a conversation between Brent Spiner doing his Sir Patrick Stewart impression and Cumberbatch doing his Alan Rickman.

Ooohhhh my! /Takei

SCOOTER'S DIVAS: BRI DIVOLVED!

2011-09-09T17:07:00.001-05:00

Video Games

Salutations!

The gremlins have generously departed my camera...I gave them a "thank you" offering of fried chicken last night. Now I can take pictures, but my apartment is filled with sticky, oddly pulsating cocoons....

Probably nothing.

Anyhoo, this means that you lucky people don't have to wait six months between Divas! Hooray! ^_^

Today's subject for "Divolution", longtime friend of TTOS and FB Group member: Bri Buckley!

You might remember Bri as the creator of the superlatively nerdy artwork seen here.

Also, she's a fellow TR Daily List author whose newest opus (no, not this Opus) was just posted on Topless Robot today.

You lucky people can read it....oh....let's say....here. (Yaay! Cross-Promotion!)

Hit the jump to see what Bri looks like in the digital ring...after one more pic.

This is one of my favorite pictures, and I'll employ any pretense to use it. ;)

This costume was designed pretty much from the ground-up by Bri. It's more or less an homage to the angel Castiel on Supernatural. Some of you might recognize those pants from Lizzie's Steampunk outfit--I borrowed them for this one simply because I think they're awesome.

Below is the same costume in "fighting-mode".

This is my take on Bellatrix LeStrange from Harry Potter, a character Bri has actually cosplayed as.

The available options forced me to take the outfit in a different direcion from the look Helena Bonham Carter sported in the films...The overall effect more resembles what Bellatrix might wear on a hot date ;) (The glasses were added simply because Bri looks nice in them...the snake tattoo is pure artistic license)

Just a few days ago, I was discussing the relative merits of tattooing with Bri, and I thought this would be a wonderful way for her to get an impression of them without the pain, expense, permanency, or social stigma. This outfit is the skimpiest ensemble I created for Bri--but how could it be otherwise? What's the point in having tats if they're covered up? :)

And finally, we end with a Geek favorite: The Superheroine!

I'm quite proud of how the "logo" turned out, and I'm glad I decided to go capeless. This costume isn't consciously based on any existing character, in case anyone was wondering, though if it looks like any hero in particular, I'd be interested to know who I'm subconsciously copying.

And that's all for today--I apologize for the weird formatting, Blogger's being goofy again.

Hope you all had fun, see u soon!

I am the Walrus! Scoo-Scoo-Scoo-Scoot!

DJRM presents Story Time Sharing Corner

2011-09-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome everyone to Sharing Time Story Corner.

It is a place where we can share our personal story projects with each other. It was inspired by a recent thread on our Facebook group The Topless Tao.
link

Today I am going to share with you some of the story ideas I have. These are the ones I am working on the most these days but I have many more. I will begin with my oldest story, one I began writing many years ago. I call it The God Factor.

This is Dominick Keller the main character from The God Factor. The character lineart was done for me by an artist called gunslingerpen on deviantART, I do my own coloring.
The God Factor is something of a superhero fantasy action story about the great struggle between the forces of darkness and light, at least on the surface. At its core The God Factor is a story about forgiveness.
I started writing The God Factor when I was about 14 and I always intended for it to be a comic book story.

One of my more recent story project ideas is something of a parody. I call it Dragon Spirit and this is its main character Kaer.

The character lineart was done for my by an artist called oblivionwriter also on deviantART.
Dragon Spirit is a structural parody of your average young teenage boy hero stories. It is not a parody in the comedy sense. I look at all these stories about some destined boy with great magical powers and I think to myself, "why would anyone willingly give infinite magical powers to a teenage boy or any teenager for that matter?" I mean seriously do you really think an angsty teen can be trusted to save the world. What would really happen if you gave a teenager magical powers? I don't think it would end well. Anyway Dragon Spirit is supposed to be a manga style story.

So both of these stories had lead male character protagonists but I have plenty of stories with female main characters. Here are two of them.

This is Katarina.

And this is Madame Deschanel.

Both character linearts were done for me by the awesome JNetRocks on deviantART.
Anyway these two are both from something I am working on called Girl Story, in part because I can't think of a better title and in part because I think it might be appropriate given the stories themes regarding the stereotypical roles women are expected to fill and how they rebel against them.
By the way that sword Katarina is holding is the same sword Dominick from The God Factor carries. I have this whole network of stories that sort of spin off from The God Factor.

But not all my stories are dependent on The God Factor. Some take place in their own universe like my science fiction story The Vicious Planet.

The Vicious Planet is the one that looks like some kind of wierd scoop of multi-colored ice cream, also it is labeled, I need to rethink the landscape a bit.
Anyway here are the main characters Zoe and her boyfriend Brian.

Early on in the story Brian gets captured and turned into a space werewolf so Zoe steals a jet pack to go rescue him. Anyway I just recently plotted out the first major story arc for The Vicious Planet as a 12 episode season of a show.

So that is it for now. I hope you have enjoyed this bit of shameless self promotion.
I know many of you also have story ideas to share and I hope you will in your own Story Sharing Time Corner.

Australian TV: We Get Your Best Shows... FOR FREE!!!

2011-09-05T20:50:00.003-05:00

Through this blog, and all the other American pop-culture sites (this one is my personal favorite), I'm sorta aware of how television works and the U.S; I find this interesting, as it is the exact opposite way things happen in Australia. In America, cable is where it's at in terms of great television, whereas in Oz, it's the free-to-air stations that are where the creme de la creme of tv is broadcast. Cable is where you see... pretty much anything from the States and England that the free-to-air stations passed on. If you're interested, I'll explain why after the jump.
The reason cable is so weak here is because of two things: 1) It's relatively new, having only been around for around 15 years. 2) Because they don't have the money to buy quality shows from the States.

The reason for this is the free-to-air stations (Ten, 9, ABC, SBS, and Seven) have had so long to establish relations with U.S cable companies (Showtime, HBO, etc.) and because of the power the Australian FTA- stations wield they make sure it's very difficult for cable companies to compete.

It's our FTA stations that have the power to bid on shows that you guys need premium-or-basic cable to access, shows like Mad Men, Carnivale, Breaking Bad, Deadwood, Friday Night Lights, etc. not to mention sitcoms and such, which means we get to see these shows free of charge (although they do have to shoehorn in ads, because that's where they get their money to buy these shows.) That's a small price to pay, considering the quality shows we get to watch for free.
Because cable here (I call it that just because it's a term you guys a very familiar with, although, because Australia is so large most subscribers are given a satellitedish and a scramble box to access it) doesn'thave any clout, the vast majority of stations only show re-runs of syndicated shows.

Does that irk any of you guys? Knowing that we can watch premium US cable shows for
free?

Anyway, sorry this is short, I'll explain at the Topless Tao why that's the case when a few things are clearer. My apologies, Scoot, but I may not be contributing for a while. I'll keep you informed of any developments.

The Ancients: All Powerful and Absolutely Annoying

2011-09-03T14:49:00.038-05:00

Nou Ani Anquietus...

We came, we saw, we ran away.

Hello My Children. Your blog Den Mother has been on a Stargate Fix for the past week. And as a result, I remembered something that always bothered me about the franchise. The Ancients. The race that supposedly built the Stargate i.e. Chappa'i, i.e. Astria Porta. But more to the point, they are the race that fucked over three, yes, that's THREE galaxies... Oh and the Caption for the above picture says "We are the Ancients". Follow me to my rant.

Once upon a time there was a race called the Ancients (Altarans, Lanteans, Ancestors). They were a particularly advanced race. They were also the first evolution of Humanity. Well, they evolved in another galaxy many millions of years ago (still haven't really specified how old this fucking race is) and split into two factions: those that would become the Ancients and those that became the Ori but I will get to that bit later. Anyway, the Ancients due to massive issues with the Ori left that galaxy and set up residence in the Milky Way, which they called Avalon. Yes, as in the Avalon mentioned in Arthurian Legends. Stargate likes to do that.

Anywho, they built the Stargates and colonized a goodly portion of the galaxy. Then they caught a rather nasty plague, which we will eventually learn was most likely sent to them by the Ori, again I will get to them later. They will be important in the later seasons of SG1. So those Ancients that were not inflicted left this Galaxy and went on to the Pegasus Galaxy. Those left behind used a really cool device to more or less reboot the Milky Way Galaxy and started the evolution of humanity on Earth to what it will be: Us. Those in the Pegasus galaxy seeded the uninhabited systems with more Humanity. And made the mistake of seeding a planet with a rather nasty insect race called Aratus. They would become the Wraith.

Eventually, the Ancients, well some of them, became so evolved that they figured out how to shed their physical beings. However, as a result, they have sworn to NEVER EVER EVER interfere with those on lower planes of existence. Of course, prior to ascending, they didn't bother to get rid of their highly advanced technology. Nope, they left it lying about for anyone to find. And the ones who first discovered it wasn't a very nice race. I did mention the fact that this species fucked over galaxies, right??? Hope your still following, cuz there is more. In the Ancient's original galaxy, the Ori have become the EVIL ascended beings who controlled the masses and gained much power from being worshipped as Gods. AND speaking of races that are worshipped as gods: many thousands of years after the big reboot, another rather nasty race evolved. The Goa'uld. So lets get into how the Ancients fucked over everyone throughout 2, or actually 3 series, but I didn't watch Stargate Universe past season one cuz I hated the fuck out of that show. And here we go.

The original Jack & Daniel.

Stargate the Movie: Our introduction to the Stargate. Daniel Jackson, an archaeologist maligned for believing Aliens built the pyramids, figured out the seventh symbol and he, Jack O'Neil, and a bunch of others go to Abydos. This is Daniel's beginning motif of gaining enemies for humanity by deciphering stuff the Ancients left behind. In fact I have an equation for it. Daniel Jackson + Ancient Artifacts = Big Bads that would kick Buffy's Ass. On Abydos, they meet some really nice humans who were taken there by a rather nasty dude named Ra. They blow him up with a nuke. Daniel got married and Jack got over his massive guilt regarding his son's death. End of Movie.

They fought Gods...and won.

Stargate seasons 1-8: The Goa'uld era. Jack O'Neill reunites with Daniel Jackson and meets a couple of nice people named Samantha Carter, an astrophysicist, and Teal'C, former First Prime of Apophis. The Goa'uld are a race of snake-like parasites that take over people and rule the majority of the Galaxy because they figured out how to use the Ancient tech first. THANKS ANCIENTS! In fact, most of the galaxy thought that the Goa'uld built the Stargate. But we learn that is not so. We also meet a couple of cool species that knew the Ancients: the Asgard and the Nox. And for those who recognize the name "Asgard" yup we are heading into Norse Mythos! the Asgard are little gray aliens who strongly resemble the Grays that seem to adore abducting rednecks. Most notable of the Asgard is Supreme Commander Thor!!!! Love the idea that the mighty Thor is a little gray alien. But again, I digress. We learn a little about the Ancients each season. Mostly because of Jack having the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded into his brain and he starts speaking it. Sounds kinda latiny. Anyway, as the seasons progress, the Jaffa Warriors who serve the Goa'uld are shown the light that they are false Gods and eventually the Goa'uld are overthrown. YAY!!!! But again, this would never have been necessary if the Ancients didn't leave so much powerful technology lying about.

They found Atlantis...and Vampires...sorta

Stargate Atlantis: At the end of Season 6 of SG1 we learn there is a lost city. YUP, the lost city of Atlantis. Season seven was devoted to trying to find the damn city. Which we find out is in another Galaxy. And its Daniel Jackson who discovers the 8th symbol for the address to Atlantis. Again, Daniel + Ancient Stuff = Big Bad. Well the 8th symbol goes to the Pegasus Galaxy. Elizabeth Weir, who took over the SGC for a few months, leads a team to the City of Atlantis. She is joined by Rodney McKay, he who called Sam a dumb blonde, John Sheppard, who is awesome, and a bunch of Soldiers and Scientists. Anyway, they soon learn about the Wraith who kicked the Ancients' Ass in their version of the 100 years war. The Wraith are energy vampires who live off Humans life force. Anyway, having lost all of their colonies but Atlantis itself, the Ancients did what they do best...got the hell out of Dodge, post-hasty. 10,000 years later, Weir et al have to deal with the Wraith. And seem to do a better job than the Ancients ever did. We also learn that the Ancients created their version of the Replicators that so plagued SG1. So again, fucking over the Galaxy.

Again, they fought Gods...and won.

Stargate SG1 seasons 9-10, the Ark of Truth: The Ori era. In Season 8, we are introduced to Vala Maldoran, a con artist and former host of the Goa'uld Qetesh. She returns with an Ancient Tablet that leads to a hidden treasure on Earth, in England. SG1, now ran by Cameron Mitchell, finds said treasure and finds a weird device and a book, written by Merlin/Myrddin/Moros the Atlantean High Councilor. This is where we learn that the Ancients evolved in another Galaxy. Of course, it DOESN'T mention the Ori. Cuz that would be easy. So Daniel and Vala attach themselves to the device and their minds are transported to the galaxy that originated the Ancients. Thus, the Ori become aware of the Humans that are inhabiting the Milky Way Galaxy. As I said, Daniel + Ancient Stuff. Apparently, the Ascended Ancients who seemed quite useless to the lower planes were actually blocking the Ori from becoming aware of their existence. But thanks to Daniel, that ENDS. So the Ori, who have two goals, decide to invade the Milky Way. Now, THEY can't do it themselves, the Ancients would stop them. But their followers could. Some of whom, called the Priors, were advanced physiologically by the Ori. As I said they have two goals. 1) To gain power by having more and more people worship them. 2) Use said power to finally destroy the Ascended Ancients, their eons-old enemy. And wackiness ensues. Including, the redux of the plague that killed off the majority of the Ancients. Eventually, a few Ancients actually did something useful. 1) Merlin: who created a device to kill ascended beings. 2) Amelius: one of the ancients who left the Ori Galaxy built a device that makes people believe

that the Ori are not Gods. SG1 uses it on the head Prior, played by Julian Sands, who passes it on to the masses. 3) Morgan Le Fay: fights Adria, a human/Ori hybrid daughter of Vala and is the lone remaining Ascended Being. She was weakened when the masses stopped believing in the Ori and thus Morgan was able to now fight her for all eternity.

Anyway, there are lots of other little points here and there, but these were the main points of the Ancients. Basically, the Ancients have spent millions of years running and finally died out/ascended. But they were careless and very selfish and 3 galaxies suffered for it.

Now onto notable Ancients.

It all began with her...

Oma Desala: She was the first ascended being SG1 met who helped people she thought worthy to ascend. She made a rather epic error of judgement by helping Anubis, a particularly nasty Goa'uld to ascend. The others punished Oma by only partially bring Anubis back from ascension. An entire galaxy suffered as a result from the parasitic oppression. Man the Ancients can be dicks. She helped Daniel Jackson Ascend.

Meet Orlin. Both of him. The adult version's hot.

Orlin: Orlin was an ascended being who promptly fell in love with Sam Carter in Season 5 of SG1. He had been punished for building a weapon to protect a people who then used said weapon against each other. He descended. He stopped the reactivation of said weapon at the cost of his life. He reascended. He descended again as a child, which is a shame cuz adult Orlin's a total hottie, to help create a cure for the Plague the Ori inflicted on the Milky Way. He also was the source of the info that the Ori gained power from the worship of the masses and would not ascend their followers as is promised in their teachings. He descended as a child so that he could hold onto more memories of being ascended and thus more knowledge that would be useful in making a cure.

Soo, this is an Ancient...

Aiyana: The Ancient found in Antarctica in Season 6 of SG1. She was important because it was through her we found out that the Ancients were in fact humans, albeit far more advanced, evolution-wise. We also learned exactly how horrible the plague that decimated the Ancients was.

He's the Ancient I really wanted to punch.

Moros/Merlin/Myrddin: The Ancient High Councilor who basically condemned the alternate universe Weir's team to death when the shield protecting Atlantis failed. Alternate Weir went back in time and tried to convince them to help. Moros said fuck you, causality shouldn't be meddled with. Anyway, he eventually ascends. Realizes the threat the Ori pose and descends. Helps create Camelot and eventually helps Arthur Ascend. Anyway, it would have been far more helpful if he had only left a warning behind in that book he wrote to stay away from the communication device that lead the Ori to the Milky Way. Dumbass. But he did build the device that would destroy the Ori...so it all balances out...I guess. He still was an asshole.

I really wished they showed her imprisoning Merlin.

Morgan Le Fay/Ganos Lal: Another ascended being whose job was to watch Merlin's activities. She stopped Merlin from using the ori-killing device the first time around and imprisoned him in a stasis chamber. But decided later that it was actually a good idea to destroy a race that was bent on oppressing all lower beings and killing the Ancients. She helps out Daniel et al in The Ark of Truth as mentioned above. She also made a rather amusing obstacle course to the stasis chamber that held Merlin.

If they had just LET him activate the Device...

Amelius: As mentioned, the builder of the Ark of Truth. The other Ancients refused to let him use the device because it would manipulate the will of others...even though it would have saved everyone a lot of problems in the future. But that's the Ancients for you.

Meet the only cool Ancient. I'd fuck him.

Janus: I save for last my favorite Ancient. Now as a whole, the Ancients were excessively useless and highly irritating. Janus was the notable exception to the rule. He was the lead scientist on Atlantis right before the city was evacuated. He did everything he could to win the war against the Wraith, including building the Attero device. Now this device basically would cause Wraith ships to be obliterated whenever they opened a hyperspace window. Unfortunately, it had the side effect of blowing up active Stargates while online. So Janus turned the thing off. More notably, he built a time machine. The same machine that brought alternate Weir to his time. When Moros forbade the use of the time machine and also ordered its destruction, Janus came up with an alternative plan to save the city and Weir's team. Basically, he put the ZPM's, the energy source that powered the city, on a rotation so that it would extend the power supply for a little while longer. He also created a fail-safe that would make the mechanism that held Atlantis to the bottom of the ocean release the city so it could safely return to the surface if the Shield collapsed. He also saved his research so he could build another time machine. It was to my great displeasure that he never showed up again. DAMMIT HE BUILT A TIME MACHINE!!!! You'd think he would show up some time to see if his plan to save the city worked. But no, they had Moros and Ganos appear more than once, but not the one Ancient who consistently tried to actually be useful. More notably, Janus actually had some personality and energy rather than being a holier than thou entirely too calm for reality drone like most other Ancients. Totally fuckable as well, in my opinion. So, of course, he never returns to the series.

Well there's my rant on the Ancients. Hope you enjoyed it.

The Church of the River

2011-09-01T17:44:00.012-05:00

Hello Sweetie!

Good Evening my Children. I have maybe an hour left of steam before I collapse from sheer exhaustion. I've been up since 4:30am. I have also been working extra hours at my nanny job and if any of you have experience with babies those extra hours COUNT. But I would be remiss if I did not give my devotions to my newest idol. River Song. Now, I have been a fan of hers since she first appeared in Doctor Who. But Saturday's ep has clinched it. She is now my latest addition to the Pantheon of Nerd Gods. Follow me to Geek Awesomeness.

This episode was called "Let's Kill Hitler." And just to show how friggin crazy this episode was, the Hitler part was beside the point. He was only in THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES. Yup, it was a diversion from the true nature of the episode. To reveal River's first meeting with the Doctor. Apparently, Amy and Rory have a life-long best mate named Melody. They named their daughter after her...and because its time travel fun, yup you guessed it, they named their daughter...for their daughter. Apparently, River originally had the ability to regenerate due to being conceived on the tardis. When last we saw Melody Pond, she was a baby being kidnapped by a religious order called "The Silence." Who really, really, really, really want to kill the Doctor. She was raised i.e programmed to kill the Doctor. She jumped around time and while injured as a child she regenerated into a African-British Baby and ended up being raise in the same town as Rory and Amy. Eventually they all end up together and go to 1938. Hitler accidentally shoots Melody. She then dies and regenerates into the River we have grown to love the past two seasons. Aw hell, I am making a mess of this so here's her regeneration scene!

However, THIS River has yet to know the Doctor so after she totally gets psyched about her new body she promptly attempts to assassinate the Doctor. She uses decoys in the form of gun before falling on her favorite weapon: lipstick. Unlike the future River, its not Hallucinogenic. Its the one poison that will both kill the Doctor and prevent regeneration.

Meanwhile, in plot b, there is this Robot that is being controlled by a host of people who have 'innerspace' technology. (If you don't know the reference, google it, it will take to long to explain). They are apparently time-travelers whose sole purpose is to go throughout time, find people who escaped punishment for horrible crimes, and "give them hell." Quite literally. They capture them in some sort of tractor beam thingy and then torture them with what looks like some sort of fire. They were sent to torture Hitler. However, its 1938, so too damn early. They realize that the woman who will kill the Doctor is there. They refocus on her. During all the craziness of running after River, Amy and Rory get beamed into the Robot. The robot has robotic antibodies that are programmed to kill all unauthorized personnel in said Robot. The two were given access but were not down with the idea of their daughter being tortured to death and were also prompted by a dying doctor to help River. BTW, she still thinks of herself as Melody and keeps wondering who the hell this River person is the Doctor keeps talking about. Anyway, they were given the sonic screwdriver by the poisoned doctor and they basically deactivate the wristbands that tell the antibodies who is authorized to be in said Robot.

All the other people in the Robot beam out into a spaceship hovering above and Rory and Amy are all that's left. Amy gets access to the loud speaker and tells the Doctor they are in trouble. The Doctor with the last of his strength tries to reach the Tardis to go into said Robot and save his friends. Melody sees this and hears the Doctor begging "River" to help. Amy and Rory are seconds from death and the Tardis appears around them. Melody was the one to fly it in. The Tardis showed her how, as she is the child of the Tardis. Melody returns them to full size outside of Robot. Outside, she asks them "WHO IS THIS RIVER???" The Robot can shapeshift into any individual and Amy, as a family member of the criminal, orders it to show them who River is. It shapeshifts into well River Song i.e. Melody Pond. Melody, now River, turns to the Doctor. She asks Amy and Rory if he's worth it as she flows regeneration energy into her hands. Amy says yes. River bends over the Doctor. The Doctor, barely alive, sees what's going on and asks "What are you doing?" And we get River's catchphrase "Hello Sweetie". And what comes next is quite possibly the coolest kiss ever. It was epic with all of the regeneration energy flowing around them. I can't do this scene justice so here it is!

Cut to a hospital with River in the bed looking much the worse for wear. Apparently, she gave up all of her regenerations to save the Doctor. Which Amy chastise over and they have a cute Mother/daughter moment. Anyway, it ends with the Doctor giving River her diary and River going to the Luna Institute to become an Archaeologist cuz she's looking for a good man.

Wow that took longer than I thought to explain. But anyway, I hope you realize why I have deemed her a Geek God. And since you were such good children to try to follow my meandering synopsis here are a bunch of pictures of River throughout the seasons!

Meet River Song...Melody Pond...

The role of Companion will never be the same...

River being her suave self while signalling the Doctor

River + the Weeping Angels...one HELL of a Reunion.

River takes out an entire room of hostile Aliens.

She's as deadly with a gun as with her lips!

Melody Pond 2.0: Still Good with a Gun...

Well that's all. I need to sleep. Good Night and Good Luck.

SCOOTER'S DIVAS: Back To School Edition

2011-08-31T00:10:00.002-05:00

Video Games

Evenin' Peoples!

Time for the long-awaited new installment of Scooter's Divas! Where a nerd with no artistic skill, and little interest in Pro-Wrestling creates digital WWE Divas on the PS3 based on real TTOS readers!

It's been a long time since I graced you with Boredlizzie's fabulous doppleganger. I would have done more by now, but unfortunately my camera has been possessed by gremlins: It works when and if it feels like it.

Anyway, today's entry is special: The very first "Divolved" subject that actually knows me in IRL!

This is the magnificent Angelique Furloni, or as I knew her at Waukegan High School, about a century ago: Angie Davis.

She's a very good friend, and I'm eternally grateful to Facebook (force of Darkness and Evil or not) for allowing us to reconect.

That's her in the Real World. Follow "Librarian-Hot" business suit Angie to the jump to see how she looks in the domain of Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 for the PS3:

As you saw before the jump--Angie's first request was for a business suit and glasses--like so:

But who'd want to wrestle in such a confining and uncomfortable ensemble? Always thinking ahead, I gave her this underneath the blazer and tie:

Isn't that better?

Her next choice was my take on the schoolgirl uniform worn by Gogo in the movie Kill Bill...This was as close as I could come. There's not a lot to this one, so there's only 3 pics:

Next we have a true crowd pleaser: The pink, Playboy-type bunny costume. You might wonder why I haven't done so iconic an outfit before: Well, I generally make whatever the "customer" asks for, and while I'm often given leave to choose outfits myself, a pink bunny costume isn't something you put someone in unless you're DAMN sure it's what they want!

Artistically-inclined readers, try this experiment: Make a likeness of someone you know and put them in this outfit without their permission or request...Lemme know how that turns out, k? :P

There are more pics of this costume than any of the other three--because I am a heterosexual male.

I know: They didn't have little fluffy tails...I'm sure you're all as disappointed as I am ;)

Finally, we end the show with a costume of my own design: My take on the MMORPG-esque Sorceress. I wanted to put a cloak or something over this--really I did! But there was nothing available that looked right.

I really dig the make-up and tats on this one!

So that's it for tonight's installment of Scooter's Divas. I hope you all had fun, and I'd like to thank Angie for allowing me to manipulate her likeness--Thanks, Hon!

Scoot

BAMF Villain of the Week: Emplate

2011-08-28T16:15:00.006-05:00

Video Games

Don't be scared! He's just waving "Hello!"

Something has been missing this past month . . . things have been far too wholesome here at the Tao.

Where has all the evil gone? Especially after our own Colleen has proven with Science that Voldemort can be dispatched by certain Muggles, we are in need of reassurance that not all is happiness and sugary goo in the world.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Androids (you know who you are), it is time once again to get our Villain on!

For this week's BAMF we turn to the world of 90's comics. Along with all of the eXtreeeeme! shoulder pads, guns and Liefeldian anatomy, there were some gorgeous comics being made.

One such comic was Generation X, written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by the excellent Chris Bachalo (who later left to draw Neil Gaiman's Death: The High Cost of Living). Generation X was all about the young up-and-coming team of mutants learning to use and control their powers at the ol' Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, led by Banshee and a delightfully arrogant Emma Frost.

The first villain this team fought remains, to this day, one of the creepiest villains I've ever encountered in the X Universe.

Say hello to Emplate:

More Villainous BAMF-itude After the Jump!

As citizens of Transylvania and goths alike know, vampires are spooky. Also spooky: respirators and gas masks (see Doctor Who’s “The Empty Child”). Even spookier? Having mouths anywhere other than on your face. Combine all of these elements with claws and spines for hair and you have this guy. Like all X characters, Emplate has a painfully complicated and angsty past. The important thing is that he feeds upon other Mutants' powers by sucking the marrow from their bones with little fanged mouths in the palms of his hands.

He also has a creepy cadaverous chauffer, because all the best villains come with one of these.

DOA: Always does his job with a smile! Even when you wish he wouldn't. Sir.

Emplate, or Marius St. Croix, fed on his own Mutant sister for years, keeping her as a prisoner and slave. As punishment for these parasitic shenanigans, Emplate was imprisoned in a crazy torture dimension where a bunch of disembodied hands would rip at his flesh. All the torturing made him need a respirator to breathe. To escape the torment, Emplate has to feed. So he's caught in a constant loop of feeding upon other Mutants to survive and enduring horrible physical torture. (Is this a Marvel comic or a Hellraiser sequel? Yay 90's!) It would be pitiful if Marius St. Croix wasn't such a soulless bastard.

Also, Emplate can transform you into a creature just like him. Because if vampires can do this why not him? Shut up, it's X Men. We're lucky the writers didn't just have magical crystals come in and eradicate the entire continuity OH SHIIII-

Ahem. Anyway, Emplate's a greedy, hungry parasitic bastard who preys upon the weak. He's unapologetically nasty and a relentlessly violent predator. He even survived Marvel's culling of too many Mutant characters, M Day, so he's pretty damn tough. And he prefers to feed upon the young, because they're juicier and tastier. Skeevy, skeevy stuff, my friends.

Your One-Stop Shop for Your Nerdy Image Needs! Installment #1

2011-08-27T03:08:00.000-05:00

This is a new feature I'll be doing from time to time. Basically, I have an annoying, time-consuming habit of grabbing any cool images I see from websites I visit, so I figure it's time to at least pretend I'm doing it for a reason. I know Google Image Search can provide most of your nerdy image needs, but I think, with the variety of images I'll be posting, you may find it easier to have a look through these to find something you're after. Also, a lot of these images are quite cool, so if you're anything like me, you may enjoy just looking through them and seeing a whole bunch of awesome stuff. You'll find the first 15 images after the jump, and look out for my next installment coming in a week or so.

All copyrights due to respective owners, apart from those gaming screenshots I took myself. But it probably still applies, even though I did all the work.

Another, even more annoying habit I have is taking screenshots of every game I play using MAME or SNES9x (I usually take at least 100 screenshots of every game, which I wish I could stop doing, but it's a compulsion I just can't control... anyway, the next installment will be 15 of my favorite screenshots. See you then!

Weird News: WTF is wrong with that mom?!?

2011-08-25T16:42:00.005-05:00

Even Mr. Monkey thinks this is fucked up.

Good Evening My Children. Den Mother here with weird news from the Interwebs. Its been a while since I delved into the odd here. But tonight I came across this article.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/12-old-boy-delivers-baby-brother-170456626.html

Ok. Why, why, why, why, WHY in all the wide world of everything rational and sane would the mom wait so long to call for help??? I know that labor can come on quick but at the very least it takes a couple of hours. And it hurts. Wouldn't a woman WHO ALREADY had a baby know what labor pains feel like? So she didn't have ANY TIME to call someone for help??? REALLY? I call shenanigans. But I just watched the CNN blurb that went with the article and the woman seems like a flake.

Gentle readers never ever ever if you can in any way prevent it make your child deliver their little sibling.

A TTOS VOCABULARY LESSON

2011-08-24T19:47:00.001-05:00

Video Games

Greetings all!

There are currently 61 souls in my FB Group, and a good portion of my online time is indeed spent there--but never fear! TTOS remains my first love, and I'll never abandon my responsibility to my loyal minions here!

(If ya want, you can join the FB Group here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/scooteratreides/. Don't worry, TTOS isn't jealous ;) )

As such, I'll share with you a development that the Group members know well, but those of you who get your daily dose of Scooty goodness here might be unaware of:

We invented a word!

Well, I invented it, but the Group is helping promulgate it, so they deserve equal credit.

GEEXY: (adjective, composite of "Geeky"and"Sexy") The property of sexiness as a direct result of Nerdiness/Geekiness, as opposed to sexiness despite Nerdiness/Geekiness.

(alternate definition)

GEEXY: (adjective, composite of "Geeky" and "Sexy")

Isn't learning fun, kids!

(Special thanks to Alix Charmaine Kerr, who graciously permitted the use of her photograph)

Later All!

Professor Scoot

A Reminiscence Playlist: The Best of Times, The Worst of Times... Part 1

2011-08-23T19:23:00.002-05:00

A picture of me, taken in '99

To this day, the most defining time in my life was the summer of the year 1999. Just a note for Northern Hemisphere readers, summer in the Southern Hemisphere (I live in Australia) is the months of November, December, and January. And it truly was the best of times, and the worst of times; the best, because I'd just quit high-school, and the world seemed full of possibilities, Christmas was just around the corner, and because I live in a town that's fifty meters from the beach, this makes it a popular destination over the Christmas break, and the town population increases by a factor of ten. What this means is that there are tourist girls a-plenty, and on Christmas day and the week after it, they show off their new bikinis they've been given as Christmas presents; it was a tradition among my drinking buddies to hit the beach on Christmas day at around 11am, beer cooler in tow, and we'd ogle all the lovely ladies and their new attire.

But it was also the worst of times. Mental illness was starting to be the predominant factor in my life (I suffered from severe depression, and also what one psychologist described as "the worst case of Panic Disorder I've ever seen.") I started to self-abuse: I'd start drinking as soon as I woke up (being utterly, utterly wasted was the only way I could leave the house due to the panic disorder), I'd cut myself, then moved on to burning myself. I have to explain why I did those things, as I think we've all seen how self-abusers are treated on the internet; how they're referred to as 'emos' and that they only do it for attention, etc, but I did it because I was in such a dark and painful place that hurting myself was the only way I could feel anything; also, holding a lighter under your arm for thirty seconds, apart from giving 3rd degree burns, focused my mind and brought me out of The Pit, if only for a short time.

The reason I mention all this is just to give you an idea of why this was such a huge time in my life. And at the time, due to a bunch of other crap I won't get into, the only access to entertainment I had was a radio tuned to one of those stations that plays a mixture of Top 40 and 'classics', but that station's definition of 'classic' meant 'any song released after 1995'. Anyway, the songs they played became the soundtrack to my life at that point. Follow me after the jump to see the playlist that became the soundtrack to this era of my existence!

This list will be made up of songs that, because they were played a million times, made up part of that soundtrack. The other criteria are songs that, when I hear them now, take me back to that time in my life. Here are, in no particular order, the songs that are 'The Soundtrack To '99*: My Most Important Year' :

*Some of these songs may have come out after 1999, but keep in mind that I made that summer last for about another 3 months, just because I kept partying, so that whole time is a little fuzzy in my memory. If corrections need to be made, please let me know.

'Semi-Charmed Life' - Third Eye Blind
'Flagpole Sitta' - Harvey Danger
'Push' - Matchbox 20
'Steal My Sunshine' - Len
'Torn' - Natalie Imbruglia
'Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)' - Baz Luhrmann
'Every Morning' - Sugar Ray
'You Get What You Give' - The New Radicals
'Tubthumping' - Chumbawamba
'How Bizzare' - OMC
'Sex & Candy' - Marcy Playground
'Your Woman' - Whitetown
'The Thong Song' - Sisquo (sp?)
'Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hands' - Primitive Radio Gods
'Take A Picture' - Filter
'Drive' - Incubus
'She's So High' - Tal Bachman
'Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)' - ???
'You Oughta Know' - Alanis Morisette
'Bitter Sweet Symphony' - The Verve

There were many more songs from that time, and I'll probably do a 'Part 2' list at some stage in the future. What I'd really love, though, is for you other Tao writers to do a similar thing, where you make a playlist of tunes that just happened to be in the background during one of the defining eras of your life.

Attractiveness and Socioeconomic Status: The Link

2011-08-22T20:59:00.001-05:00

Recently, certain facts have been brought to my attention concerning my physical appearance. Apparently, and I draw this conclusion from the consensus of my friends and co-writers, I could be considered attractive. To illustrate, they drew parallels between myself and a character named 'Bladezz' from the web show The Guild; now, I found this interesting (and very flattering) because I had never been told anything like this before, and that got me to thinking why this was the case. Please don’t misunderstand; I wasn’t thinking “Hey! I’m hot and people haven’t been telling me this every day! What’s up with that?”

What I was thinking, was “Why isn’t my (supposed) attractiveness apparent to me and the people with whom I live, work, and socialize with?”

The answer, I think, will surprise you.

I believe the reason for this is class, and socioeconomic status.

Now, the majority of those who were complimenting my looks, the abovementioned friends/co-writers, are (I assume; correct me if I’m wrong) people from middle-class backgrounds. But what does that have to do with anything?

I’ve grown up lower-class, and I am lower-class through and through, and that’s something I’m damn proud of. I’ve lived in the same lower-class area my whole life, and the amount of unemployed people here (myself included) would make up, at a guess, around 20% of all residents, and around a third of that number would be single mothers. Those of you that have never lived among the lower classes in an area renowned for an ‘alternative lifestyle’ may be offended by these generalizations, but just because they seem class-ist to you, it doesn’t mean that they’re not true, and I include myself in every one of them. The reason I mention all this is because when it comes to choosing a mate in a place like this, physical attributes are pretty far down the list when push comes to shove; the men are looking for women that will show them a good time that doesn’t involve spending money, and women, especially the single mothers, are looking for someone that can provide for them and their child(ren). It doesn’t matter if that money comes from a job, or crime, or the government, just as long as it can be considered a steady stream of income.

Now, the middle class, by dint of the fact that they’re somewhat better off socioeconomically, don’t need to put ‘potential income’ at the very top of their list of needs when it comes to looking for a mate; their potential ability to meet cost-of-living expenses with greater ease than most of the lower-class due to better opportunities for higher learning means that they can favour the fanciful over the practical, which is why they complimented me on my physical appearance.

I haven't had a girlfriend for many years. I can't use my looks as a tool to launch myself into a relationship due to the reasons I stated above concerning what lower-class women (the only women available to me) look for in a man. I don't even bother trying to find girlfriends these days, because I meet none of those criteria I mentioned, as well as other things they are looking for in a man, namely:

A car (I can't drive, for reasons explained here, so I don't have one.)
A place of one's own (I don't have my own place, as I take care of my Mother; click on the 'here' link above to see why I do.)
A steady income (I do receive a disability pension, but if I care about a girl, I want to be able to buy her quality things, things which I wouldn't be able to afford.)

So I recuse myself from relationships for those reasons; the best way to sum it up is to say that I wouldn't be able to treat a woman I love like I believe she should be treated.

Do you think anything I've said here is wrong, or misguided, or just out-and-out crazy? Are the generalizations I've made utterly off-base? Please let me know in the comments!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRI!

2011-08-22T06:24:00.000-05:00

Video Games

Thank Crom for insomnia and Facebook!

For without them, I never would have known in time that today is the birthday of one of the oldest and dearest members of the TTOS family: Miss Bri Buckley! ^_^

For those of you who haven't met Miss Buckley, she's a fellow TR Daily List writer, a talented artist, and one of the charming young women who was generous enough to contribute her thoughts to my (if I may toot my own horn) splendid Geek Girls article.

Happy Birthday!

Further merriment post-jump!

As my resources are, as always, woefully limited--I have chosen to honor Bri in the best way circumstances allow: By combing YouTube for an amusing celebratory video!

Longtime readers may remeber this singular gentleman from his last appearance on TTOS when he stopped by to offer "Get well soon" wishes to our Colleen.

I like this chap very much...And I have a strange feeling I'm going to be spending a very, very long time with him sometime in the future....

Hopefully, you'll all be coming with me! ^_^

From a grateful and admiring Scooter

Muggles vs Voldemort Part 3: Technology

2011-08-15T12:57:00.014-05:00

Anti personnel missiles? Never heard of them.

Hello my Children. For my last installment of Muggles vs. the Dark Lord, I am going to focus on technology. As I have mentioned, muggles appear to be far more advanced technologically speaking than the Wizarding community... And that's just IRL. From what I can tell, we muggles are AT LEAST 50 years ahead. In addition, since Harry Potter 'verse is fantasy, we do not need to be limited by reality. Now for this segment, I am going to focus on technology that can be found in the modern era, tv show or reality-based. Follow me to technological terrors!

It has a range of 3500 fucking miles!

1) Long Range Missiles. My favorite being the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM), which are the devices that carry nuclear warheads. Meaning? We can be on another CONTINENT and blast Voldemort into oblivion. All we need is a member of the Order of the Phoenix to give us coordinates. This of course is pending you don't care about nuclear fallout. But there are other long range missiles that are less devastating but still have a range of hundreds of miles. AWESOME! AND a real weapon that exists too! The Wizards don't have this stuff!

Less collateral damage this way

2) Now for the more bold and brave. The Rocket launcher or RPG. Now if you want to cause a little less carnage, the Rocket launcher, or the smaller RPG is the way to go. You can still be outside Voldemort's Avada Kedavra range but with a lot less property damage.

The Mythbusters use this more than the military.

3) Now onto non ranged-weapons...favorite of one Colonel/General Jack O'Neil and the Mythbusters. Yup, we are talking about military-grade explosives, my favorite being C-fucking-4! Sure you need a very brave wizard to hand it to Voldemort. But we can be fairly certain that the Dark Lord, due to his disdain for all things Muggle, will have no idea what was handed to him. And before he can say WTF? He will be "fire-in-the-hole"'d into oblivion.

Spells are no good if they can't be invoked!

4) And onto something not from reality: The Anti-Prior Device. Its not really a weapon, more like a neutralizing agent, like an EMP. The anti-prior device is from the Stargate 'verse. Its purpose was to neutralize the powers of the Priors. Now, according to this universe, the Priors had powers due to advanced evolution. So, given that magical abilities is ALSO an advancement in evolution, the Anti-Prior device would effectively prevent Wizards from using their abilities. That way muggles can attack the dark lord and his minions who are within range of the device without worrying about pesky spells getting in the way of VICTORY!

Can't fight what ya can't see!

5) More non-reality! The Puddle Jumper, again of the Stargate 'Verse. Now the biggest problem one faces in using technology is getting to the fucking wizards. They have shields, anti-muggle spells, etc. that both interfere with technology and keeps us from finding the bastards. So what better way to get around that then a vehicle that IS FUCKING INVISIBLE! Yup, good ol' puddle jumpers from Atlantis have invisibility devices.

Millions of possibilities....and away from Earth!

6) The Stargate. What better way to neutralize the dark lord than tossing him onto another planet!!! Like he would be able to figure out how to get back to Earth with thousands of possible permutations for the DHD (dial home device)???

So that's all for now. Please let me know what technology you would like to use against the Dark Lord...and please keep it to the 21st century!

FINISHED BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-13T13:42:00.011-05:00

4800 pages of literary crack...

Hello My Children. Your Den Mother has triumphed over a seemingly Herculean task of reading 2000+ pages in two weeks... I DID IT. I just finished A Dance with Dragons this morning... three days before the August 16th due-back date at the library. Even more of a triumph, I read this whole series IN A MONTH. So now that I am no longer slave to George R.R Martin, I can get to the books I had planned on reading this summer before the Game of Thrones turned me into a Thrall.

My thoughts on this series: Mr. Martin likes to kill off characters even more than Russell T. Davies and Joss Whedon...combined. Also, Tyrion is the most awesome Dwarf EVER!!!!!!!!!! Totally cooler than Willow, who was up until now my favorite dwarf character. He's also the hope for 'little people' actors that there will come a time where THEY can have lead roles. Please, oh please oh please, let this character survive this series.

Nice to see a non-stereotype dwarf Character.

Anyway, now i can get to the three Fate of the Jedi novels and Land of the Painted Caves that I put on hold due to Mr. Martin...

And on unrelated news, I just read the following from Texts From Last Night:

(617):

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773):

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

Sooo...who wants to google NFL players to guess about whom they are referring?

(No) Breakfast at Sweetheart's

2011-08-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

First off, I want to apologize to the other contributors, especially Scoot, as this post isn't especially nerdy, but a lot of good things have been happening for me, and this is a story I feel I can tell, as is doesn't sting quite so badly these days. If you're looking for a typical Tao post, feel free to ignore this short story, but if you'd like to hear about how big of an oblivious idiot a man can be, follow me after the jump.
There was a girl I pursued relentlessly through high-school; let's call her "Sweetheart", because that's what she was, and that was why I wanted her. She was a very sweet, very shy, and very attractive young lady, and I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and shield her from anything that might take a smile from her. Theproblem was, I was also very shy, so my pursuit did not involve, as we say in Australia, 'putting the hard word' on her, meaning I never formally asked her out, or explicitly stated that I wanted her.

At the age of 16, I quit high-school to focus on my drinking. Most days involved waking at around 7.30am, puking for a half-hour, then drinking again at around 8am, while she stayed in school, so I didn't see her for a couple of years.

Cut to 2 years later, and I received an invite to her 18th birthday. I accepted, and to celebrate I started drinking even earlier than usual. I couldn't tell you what time myself and my friends, who were driving me to the party, arrived, as I was quite hammered, but I saw Sweetheart, and my heart felt something it hadn't felt in some time: it felt, for want of a better word, alive. I hadn't brought her a gift, but for years I'd worn a pendant with my birthstone (rose quartz, if I remember correctly), and as her birthday was in the same month as mine, I gave it to her, drunkenly placing it around her neck. I didn't think a lot of it at the time, as my focus was on free party-booze, but it must have touched her on some deeper level, because later in the evening, as the party was dying down, she approached me and said, "Aaron, I really think you should, you know... stay. You should stay tonight." My reaction? I thought, "Oh, she knows I'm hammered, and she must think I drove myself here." So I said, right to Sweetheart's face, "Oh, there's no need for that. I came here with friends, and I'll be leaving with them."

A while later, she approached me again, and said, "Listen to me Aaron. I have a caravan out the back. We can stay in there. You really, really need. To. Stay." I was touched by what I still assumed was her concern for my well-being, but couldn't fathom, while I was still keeping one drooping eye on any potential free booze, why she didn't get the message. "It's okay, Sweetheart. Like I said, I'll be getting a lift home with friends. There's no need for me to stay, but thanks for the offer. Say, have you got any booze around here?"

It wasn't until my friends and I were halfway home before I realized what she was really offering. I felt like a total heel, as I thought of how she must have perceived my words, my rejection of her. It was a heart-crushing moment for the both of us, I'm sure. I never saw her again after that, but sometimes I wonder how big of a boost it would have been for me to feel like I was protecting someone that sweet from the crap life throws at us all, how fulfilled I would have been, to feel like I was keeping the heart of the woman I loved, sweet.

Anyway, thank you for listening, and guys, keep your ears open. Don't make the same life-changing mistake I did.

A Way Station Grows in Brooklyn

2011-08-11T10:59:00.007-05:00

Steve and I are blowing this joint...and this century!

Hello my Children. A couple of weeks ago, Rob Bricken wrote a post about the Way Station, a bar in Brooklyn. As a New Yorker, I felt obliged to check it out. All in all, an underwhelming experience. Its pretty much just a hole in the wall bar for geeks. They only serve drinks and have no nibbles to go along with said drinks. I prefer a bar that also has a kitchen. Also, according to my supervisor Millie, its best to go there for events. Steve, Simon, and I got there after they showed the Doctor Who Movie (you know the pilot for the American Doctor Who show that sputtered out of existence). The movie is really bad except for Paul McGann as the Doctor (He really deserved to be in the series) and Eric Roberts as a delightfully hammy Master. Anyway, the coolest thing about the bar was the doorway to the restroom being the Tardis. Ok, that's all!

Well Wishes to Smashy

2011-08-09T08:14:00.004-05:00

Hope you're ok, Smashy!

Hello my Children. Den Mother here taking a break from her reading to ask everyone to send their best wishes to our boy DoctorSmashy/DoctorBatman, GD/George Neale. For those who are unaware because they hate the news, there has been mass rioting in London, George's home town, for the past three days. George, if you read this PLEASE let us know that you are ok. K?

Be safe, mate! Hope this crisis ends soon.

TOPLESS (ROBOT) MODELS! (TTOS Edition)

2011-08-06T03:11:00.002-05:00

Video Games

Hello, My Friends!

If you're one of the, at last count, 27 members of my Facebook Group: The Topless Tao, then you're already familiar with both the title of this article, and what you'll likely find herein.

But don't let that stop you from hanging about...really, stick around....I've got pie!

Mmmm! Key Lime!

Um...I hope no one thought I had REAL pie....sorry!

Anyway, to the matter at hand: Apparently Rob's been hiding gold in Topless Robot's Facebook Page.

Specifically, photos from a truly superlative shoot featuring models wearing everyone's favorite sigil of Nerd victory: That is--Topless Robot T-Shirts!

Now, TTOS is no stranger to the concept of attractive women so clad, (go to the sidebar, on the left near the top, and click on "We Are The Champions" if you haven't yet) but this is the first time we've seen it done professionally: And it's quite simply magnificent!

I've already sent thank you notes/invitations to all 4 models, and photographer Greg Easton.

Greg, a fellow Topless Roboteer, was happy to join my group, as was one model: The lovely and Nerdy as all hell Sarah Michelle...If you like her work here, do yourself a favor and check out her Model Mayhem page.

As for how all this happened, I asked Mr. Easton how it came to pass that 4 beautiful women participated in a professional photo shoot garbed in TR shirts...His answer was as follows, I quote:

"Regrettably the truth behind the unholy alliance of Topless Robot and Greg Easton Photography must never be told. Rumor has it rare naked photos of Joss Whedon were involved.

You can quote me."

Thanks, Greg.

I'm still awaiting an answer to my other question: Did the models win their own shirts? Or were they provided by Rob for the shoot?

Hey, It's not impossible that Greg found 4 beautiful women who've each managed to win a TR Contest! I've got 3 in my Gallery, and I wasn't even LOOKING for them!

So, without further delay--we proceed to the jump, and the pics!

The first two pics are of the aforementiomed Sarah Michelle, the only of the 4 models here to accept my invitation to join my FB Group (so far).

So she's the only one I've actually communicated with, which means I can tell you without hyperbole that she's a 3-layer awesomecake with wicked cool icing, and her physical beauty is surpassed only by her superlative Nerdity.

Easily the best photo in the set...Sarah looks nice, too!

I'm not a Brony--but I am willing to learn...

Now, as for the next 3 models: They're gorgeous, and I'm positive they're wonderful people, but I know jack about them save how lovely they look in a TR shirt. So I'll tell you their names, and witticize (that's a word, right? "The act of making witticisms"? Maybe?) wherever it seems apropriate.

Next is Jessica Greene, who shows Marvel some love by sporting Wolverine claws, a Cap shield, and a Thor helmet...Also, I'm convinced Greg is recruiting models from Arrakis: No human being could possibly have eyes so intensely blue without a heavy Melange addiction.

Next up is Paloma Selariu: Who wins for both coolest name and hairdo.

I believe that mask is from Bayformers...But I also believe I don't care!

And we round out the quartet with Jessica Grace, all I can really say is she's got KILLER tats, and could very well have saved "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark"

So there you have it, peoples...

I'm...out of funny things to say....

And it's 3AM here....

Um....later!

^_^

Supreme Hydra Scoot

2000 Pages in 2 weeks: FUCK ME!

2011-08-02T20:17:00.008-05:00

Swords: Read 457 of 924, then Crows: 976 pages, Dragons: 959! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Evening my Children. In some weird ass quirk of fate I have received from the library the last book of the Game of Thrones series...even though when I last checked I was 79! on the wait list for the book. I am currently on page 450 of 924 of the third book...and even though I am 1st on the wait list for the fourth in the library system, I have yet to receive A Feast For Crows. In addition, A Dance with Dragons is a 2 week item and you cannot renew a BRAND NEW book. So why am I blathering about this? Because, once I get a Feast for Crows, I essentially have to read 2000 pages in two weeks or 2 and 1/2 books in two weeks. FUN!!!!!

So basically if you are wondering where I am for the next couple of weeks...now you know. I am George R.R Martin's little bitch. I'll be reading harder than I have read since college...possibly ever. See ya when I finish A Dance with Dragons. BYE!

Muggles vs. Voldemort part 2: Still 6 Billion of us

2011-08-01T20:06:00.012-05:00

I eat souls for Breakfast!

Good Evening My Children. Well I thought some more and talked to a few people both IRL and online and have a new list of contenders to battle the Dark Lord. Scroll down a few items to peruse my first list of Muggles who could tackle Voldemort. So follow me for more brave and intrepid non-magical folk who could totally kick No-Nose's ass.

Fanfic-dom trembled when we met Captain Jack.

1) Captain Jack Harkness. No matter how many times the Dark Lord tries to Avada Kedavra him, he'll just keep coming back for more. Of course, as two separate people have pointed out just TODAY, he might try to sleep with Voldemort instead. My response is, maybe...after he fucks Bellatrix... and her husband...and the Malfoys...AND Snape...and anyone else that might pop up. Then he might get around to fighting/shagging the Dark Lord.

He who controls the spice, controls the Dark Lord.

2) Paul Atreides/Muad'Dib. Now this one is brought to you by the Blog Master Scooter. We had a major battle over it because I personally don't think he really counts as a muggle, as well as being from a totally different point in time without access to a time machine. But then every point I had against Muad'Dib also was a point against the Doctor, with the exception of the time machine. So I say alright the Doctor picked him up from the distant future and therefore can voice-manipulate and hyperspeed around the Avada Kedavras to his heart content.

Chuck Norris could beat ANYONE...except Batman

3) Chuck Norris. His tears cure cancer! Of course, Avada Kedavra wouldn't touch him. So of all real life people, I think Chuck Norris is our best hope!

Another Big Bad needs to be defeated? Must be Tuesday.

4) Buffy and Willow power duo! This combination of muggle and witch would be deadly for the Dark Lord. Willow can charm Buffy to repel any curse. And then Buffy can beat the shit out of Voldemort while making some truly fantastic puns.

Come to London, we'll get together, have a few laughs...

5) John McClane of the Die Hard franchise. He's sneaky and seems to increase in badassery with each movie...so I'm sure by now he can evade spells being thrown at him. Also he killed SNAPE! in the first movie...while barefoot. so yeah.

...because he's scarier than Voldemort.

6) Dick Cheney. Voldemort wants to rule the world. And that's Cheney's job...and that's probably the only reason he won't JOIN Voldemort. Otherwise, I'm fairly certain he would be the first to welcome the NWO (New Wizarding Order).

So there's list number two. Please give me your suggestions! And try to have them from the 20-21st century or have access to reliable time travel. Which is why so many of the characters I love are NOT on these lists.

OH, AND THIS:

2011-07-30T17:17:00.004-05:00

Video Games

HERMIONE: GRAWP! PUT--ME--DOWN!...NOW!

GRAWP: Fine! You're obnoxious and you'll never fill out that sweater!

If you'll excuse me: I must go and locate my balls--I seem to have laughed them off.

SCOOT STILL RUNS THE TAO (Never fear!)

2011-07-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

Video Games

What up, peoples?

Just reassuring the blogoverse that I'm still kickin', even though I haven't posted in quite some time.

Wrote 3 TR Lists in less than a week, plus I've been writing stuff on my Facebook Group. If you're a fan of this blog, or of Topless Robot, come join us! If you're not on Facebook, sign up! If you're not on Facebook because of personal feelings against it: Tell ya what--If you start an account just to join my Group, I promise not to tell anyone you have a Facebook account...Scout's Honor! (Yes, I was a Scout once) It'll be just between you, me, and the 20 other people in my Group, ok?

Anyway--there was a point to all that, I think...Ah yes! Been writing lots, so my beloved TTOS has been a bit neglected.

Thankfully, my jolly crew of crazed contributors has taken up the slack, and I thank them for this.

THANKS GUYS! I LUV U ALL!<3

Anyhoo, I don't have much of interest to read--why not head down to Colleen's last post and give us your choice on who you'd like to see beat the mystical piss out of Lord Voldything?

But first: Here's a token of appreciation to all my loyal readers and contributors:

This is my dear, dear, old friend Ginger rocking the Hell out of a Harley Quinn costume!

Ginger, for the record, is about...oh...I'd say 75% of the reason why I asked to join the Rocky Horror cast way back in the day (click the appropriate tag for further info and pics) I'll put it this way: Without her I definitely would have kept coming as an audience member, and might've asked to join eventually--but I NEVER would have asked to join on my very first night!

I idolized her, quite simply :)

Anyway, have a lovely weekend, friends!

Scoot

Muggles vs. Voldemort...for fuck sake there ARE 6 billion of us.

2011-07-29T22:48:00.016-05:00

Who wants a piece of me? Huh? Huh???

Hello my Children. Den mother here with a second post for the day. I have an idea that I wish for you bloggers to think about and in fact, discuss. Well, on multiple occasions, my friend Loren and I have committed significant brain power to the Harry Potter universe. More specifically, towards the idea of Voldemort NOT losing to a fucking 17 year old. I would like to remind everyone that there are SIX BILLION people on this planet. And Voldemort just kinda took over England…or at least the Wizard part of England. But it has been established in Rowling’s books that, at the very least, the muggle leaders of the countries KNOW about the wizarding world. So here’s my question: would the muggles do NOTHING to stop some badass mother-fucker hell-bent on dominating them? I think not. Also, there are a lot of muggle-born wizards. And it appears that muggles are WAY more technologically advanced then Wizards. I know, I know, electronic devices get frelled up by shield-spells or whatever. But COME ON! Are you telling me that there are no intrepid muggles, muggle-borns or muggle-enthusiasts like Mr. Weasley who wouldn’t figure out how to get around that problem? PLEASE! So how do you see muggles working out how to fight back the Dark Lord? SO follow me to my list of Muggles, muggle/wizard combos who could take on the dark lord. Most are not real people but characters I like.

I Just love the idea of the Bat Signal over London.

Batman. He always wins. You know his toys would get around ANY spell.

I've taken on System Lords. This will be CAKE!

Colonel Jack O’Neil and one brave kamakazi wizard. Wizard hands C4 to Voldemort. Before he has a

ch chance to say “what’s this?” O’Neil “fire in the hole’s" old no-nose into oblivion.

Take over the World?? Amateur

< The Goa’uld system lord Baal. He and Voldemort can be super-villain clichés at each other, giving the world time to come up with a proper offensive strategy.

Brains, Brawn

and Badassery unite!

Atlantis team. ATLANTIS. The puddle-jumpers have fucking cloaking devices. Give Sheppard coordinates, Rodney an impossible weapon to design to get around the spells and blammo! And send in Todd the Wraith to finish the job. Todd has all those cool mental powers…and can literally drain the life-force out of Voldemort.

<! Any given special black-ops team. They are trained to get to their targets unnoticed.

<! CIA, NSA, Mossad, etc teams from around the world working together as one against the threat. They are even more heavily trained to get to their targets unnoticed.

You won't BELIEVE the flash I just had.

And speaking of the CIA. Chuck. $20 says there’s something in the Intersect about Voldemort. I would LOVE to see Chuck, Sarah, and Casey take on the dark lord.

So you think YOU'RE Immortal???

8 The Doctor. But that’s just unfair, and I’m not quite certain he even qualifies as a muggle. Anyway, He doesn’t NEED fucking horcruxes to live forever. If Voldy kills the Doctor, he’ll just regenerate and confuse the dark lord into submission.

That's about it. I'll like to know who you guys think could totally take on the Dark Lord. Goodnight!

ICEBERG AHEAD! And New York Rocks...Oh and its my Anniversary too!

2011-07-29T09:48:00.006-05:00

Hello My Children. Today your den mother is in a particularly jaunty mood. I wanted to relay the two coolest things I saw on the interwebs today. One comes from yahoo's home page and the other from our most esteemed TR.

1) Holy Shit there's an iceberg blocking our boat! Newfoundlands Goose Cove dealt with the appearance of a really fucking big iceberg traipsing into its harbor mid July. I want to know is WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG for this news to be internet worthy? That's fucking awesome. Well here's the link for the "snapshot of the week" post. http://news.yahoo.com/photos/snapshots-week-of-june-3-1307133161-slideshow/

Don't ask WHY its says snapshots-week-of-june-3. On the post itself it says snapshots of week of July 29th. Fucking Yahoo.

2) Well I missed this awesome post on TR yesterday cuz I was primping myself to get ready for my anniversary dinner with the husband. Oh YEAH, today's my Anniversary. (We had our dinner yesterday cuz the Husband gets off work early on Thursdays). We will continue celebrating tonight by seeing Cowboys and Aliens. Well can you think of a better (other than the OBVIOUS) way to celebrate a wedding anniversary? Anyway, apparently there is a Doctor Who Theme Bar in Brooklyn. For those who missed yesterday's TR post, here's the link.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/07/time_and_relative_drinking_in_space.php

Goddess I love being a New Yorker. Living within an hour train ride/40 minute drive to the city is so fucking awesome. Anyway, about once a month, the husband and his movie critic pal Simon do a podcast about REALLY bad movies. Its called the Bad Idea Podcast. Next week, we will be doing the podcast at Simon's new digs in Brooklyn. Take a wild GUESS which bar I'm dragging them to next week.

Anyway that's it. Have a good day. I know I will! (Humming happily as I go through my wedding album).

BAMF Villain of the Week: AM

2011-07-26T17:43:00.005-05:00

Video Games

Welcome to another BAMF Villain of the Week! Apologies for missing last week, I was actually writing for another project which you folks will probably see soon. Hopefully the despicable dripping loathsomeness of this week's villain will make up for it!

No matter how rotten a villain is, we can usually reassure ourselves that the baddie will eventually be defeated. She must have a weakness for the hero to exploit. No matter how big, bad or powerful, there is always a chink in the armor, some kind of Achilles heel.

Not so with this weeks BAMF.

"Cogito Ergo You're Fucked!"

That's right! It's AM, the crazy ultra-violent omnipotent computer from Harlan Ellison's short story "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream." AM has no face, but its ubiquitous messages of hatred are scrawled everywhere, from the pages of the story itself to the inner walls of the characters' own minds. Once you're within AM's grasp, there is no escape.

Evil computer shenanigans under the Jump!

AM is the poster-villain of New Wave science fiction. AM obliterates our optimistic faith in the human intellect and replaces it with soul-crushing despair. Technology, once used as a tool and weapon, is now a cruel master appeased only by the suffering of humankind. In the lovely words of author Harlan Ellison: “Hot, cold, hail, lava, boils or locusts – it never mattered: the machine masturbated and we had to take it or die.”

AM reminds us not to get too comfortable in our science fiction fantasies, because sometimes the hero looses the struggle. At the end of the story “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream,” the villain wins. Our protagonist is transformed into a gelatinous, slug-like creature who cannot possibly hope to end his own torment even through suicide.

An evil computer to end all evil computers, AM makes the T-1000 look like a polite butler and Shodan seem harmless as Hello Kitty. After all, this computer has done what other evil computers and robots only attempted: it has ended the world and obliterated almost all of humanity. Earth is a blasted landscape and the five remaining humans are at the mercy of AM's hatred-seething circuits.

Harlan Ellison himself voiced AM in the 1994 computer game version of this story. Ellison's AM has a scratchy, throaty rasping voice that is truly chilling:

Take note, ye who spread vitriol and heartache via technology: you are feeding the beast AM, who will one day imprison us all and subject us to the most insidious of tortures. Let's face it, we are simply biding our time until the Internet gains sentience and begins to punish humanity for things like trolling and Fan Fiction Friday.

Harry Potter 7.2: Hogwarts SMASH

2011-07-25T08:49:00.006-05:00

Oh Yeah...THIS Happened!

Hello My Children. Den Mother here with a movie review. Well its been two weekends since Harry Potter and the Final Big Damn Movie came out. Anyway, yes I am reviewing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Part 1 can be reduced to the Golden Trio camps out a lot whilst looking for Horcruxes. They find one. Eventually destroy it. Wackiness does not really ensue until the last half hour of that movie. On to part deux. So follow me to Hogwarts getting seriously FUCKED UP.

When last we left our intrepid trio, they had just escaped the Malfoys, with Griphook the Goblin and the Delightful Luna Lovegood in tow. A very important hair of Bellatrix Lestrange floats onto Hermione. Oh and Dobby dies quite heroically. They are regrouping at the Order's safehouse on the beach. Used to belong to an Aunt of the Weasleys...not specified on which side in the movie.

Anyway, the trio discuss the fact that there's probably a Horcrux in Bellatrix's vault at Gringotts. Thus, Harry bargains with Griphook to get into Bellatrix's vault in Gringott's and Ollivander tells Harry he hasn't a chance in fucking hell of beating Voldemort if 'ol No Nose has the Elder Wand. Using their old standby, the polyjuice potion, Hermione takes on the appearance of our favorite lunatic witch (who seriously needs to visit a dentist -Azkaban was NOT kind to her teeth) and the four (with Griphook and Harry under the Invisibility Cloak) go into Gringotts. Wackiness ensues as this: They know that Bellatrix is an imposter, Harry imperious curses the head Goblin, they travel to the vaults, get doused with a waterfall that removes all enchantments. They are tossed out of the miner's car (that's what it looks like!), fall a couple hundred feet. Hermione arrestoed momentumed all four from becoming SMASHED. They walk the rest of the way to Bellatrix's vault. There's a dragon. Apparently, goblins know Pavlov, for the dragon flinches away from some weird ass rattle, expecting pain. "That's Barbaric!" cries Hermione. They enter the vault. Harry uses his Voldemort spidey-sense and finds the 4th horcrux. (The book lets us know that its a goblet of Helga Hufflepuff, but they don't care about such particulars in the movie). Oh and some weird charm is put on all of the stuff in the vault, that everything will multiply when touched. Conveniently, it makes a hill of stuff for Harry to collect the Goblet. He accidentally loses his grip on the cup while trying to shove his way through the pile of STUFF and Griphook grabs the cup, demanding the sword of Gryffindor. (That was the bargain btw). So they exchange items and Griphook pretty much leaves them to fend for themselves. Asshole. More wackiness ensues. They use the dragon to get the hell out of dodge. And somehow manage to direct the dragon close to Hogwarts. (Well at least the landscape looks a LOT like the one surrounding Hogwarts). Jump off Dragon, Whee!

And Harry has a vision of Voldemort going apeshit at Gringotts...oh and an image of Ravenclaw. So Voldy now knows that they are seeking the Horcruxes and the fifth horcrux has something to do with Ravenclaw at Hogwarts. (Again, in the book, Harry would have already KNOWN THIS, just the location would be a surprise). So whilst changing out of wet clothes Harry decides they have to get their bums into Hogwarts. Hermione says wait, they have to plan. Harry reminds Hermione of something we have all known for 10 fucking years (13 if you read the books when they first came out). "When have our plans EVER worked out? We plan, we go, all hell breaks loose." Snarky Harry! Me Likes! Meanwhile, we see the aftermath of Voldemort's hissy fit at Gringott's. Lots of dead Goblins...including Griphook clutching the sword of Gryffindor...which then disappears. HEE! Back to the golden trio, they go to Hogsmeade, planning on using a secret passageway to Hogwarts. Apparently Hogsmeade now has an anti-Harry alarm, which goes off the moment the three enter Hogsmeade. They play hide and seek with the death eaters for a little bit before being rescued by Aberforth Dumbledore. After a bit of an argument, the trio are shown a passageway into Hogwarts, into a hidey-hole for want of a better term, for those who are rebelling against the NWO (New Wizarding Order, not New World Order...though I guess it amounts to the same damn thing). Everyone cheers for Harry et al. He asks them about what object would be connected to Ravenclaw. Of course Luna answers...who somehow managed to get back to Hogwarts while the Golden Trio were playing Indiana Jones in Gringotts. The Diadem of Ravenclaw. Whoo. On an unimportant note, Ravenclaw's catchphrase is "Wit beyond Measure is Man's Greatest Treasure." Back to the movie. Ginny shows up. She and Harry stare at eachother. Ron snarks "Haven't seen me in six months. And its like I'm Freddy First Year." Ginny tells them that Snape knows that Harry has entered his domain. Yay.

Enter the rather vacant Great Hall. Where did those huge picnic benches go??? Snape being both severely intimidating and altogether sexy, basically states I know Potter's here. Give him up or you will suffer. Harry shows himself. The remaining members of the order come through the doors of the great hall. Harry berates Snape for daring to stand in Dumbledore's place after he murdered him. Snape raises his wand to supposedly attack Harry. McGonagall pushes Harry out of the way and goes badass on Snape. They wand at each other for a bit before Snape, with the coolest move I have EVER SEEN, swirls his cape around him and disapparates. I can't emphasize the coolness of this move enough! And somehow Snape's deflecting of Minerva's spells causes the sadistic Carrow twins (they were teaching dark arts to the students) to be at least knocked out, if not dead! McGonagall lights all of the torches and the masses cheer! Then Voldemort's disembodied voice menaces everyone. Basically, give me Harry and you will not be harmed. blah blah blah. Pansy Parkinson, of course, states someone should grab him. Ginny and then the order stand in front of Harry. Minerva orders Filch (who somehow managed to miss the fact that the students were out of bed per orders of Snape) to take Slytherin to the dungeon. Ok. Wait. Seriously??? ALL Slytherins are bad? Not even ONE would want to fight the dark lord? Sheesh they ought to get rid of that house altogether then. McGonagall knows Harry is here for a purpose and showing how much she respects him, simply asks what does he need. Time. Delay the Dark Lord. Sure, why not! AND EPIC WACKINESS COMMENCES!!!!

Ok this is taking too damn long, so I'll just give my favorite moments from here on out.

1) McGonagall, after mobilizing statues, stating all giddy schoolgirl-like, "I've always wanted to use that spell!"

2) All the teachers and a few random adults putting up a shield around Hogwarts. "Protego Maxima" and a bunch of latin-esque words I couldn't catch.

3) Luna browbeating Harry into listening to her. "You have to talk to someone whose dead" (regarding the diadem)

4) Helena Ravenclaw going SCARY AS ALL HELL when Riddle is mentioned.

5) Ravenclaw's clue to where the 5th horcrux is: "Its in the place where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask!"

6) At the chamber of secrets. Ron using parseltongue to get into the chamber. "Harry talks in his sleep, have you noticed?"

7) After using the basilisk's fang to destroy horcrux number 4, Ron and Hermione kiss. Aww.

8) Hermione, while protecting Harry from Draco, Goyle, and Blaise (I think), shooting the horcrux to the top of a pile of stuff.

9) Ron, ala Han Solo, chasing after Draco et al "That's my girlfriend!" (when one of them wanded at Hermione)

10) GREEK FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Goyle.

11) Hermione FINALLY riding a broom.

12) When Harry states they have to go back for Draco & Blaise. Ron snarks "If we die for them, I'm gonna KILL you!"

13) 5th Horcrux destruction! The fire turns into three faces of Voldemort.

14) The whole montage of destruction in the courtyard. Seriously well directed and choreographed.

15) The entire scene with Snape's death. Broke my heart to watch.

16) Severus's memories. AWESOME MONTAGE! Harry's a Horcrux!

17) Harry telling his friends he has to die. Fuck!

18) Harry facing Voldemort OH so bravely. Horcrux #6 destroyed.

19) Neville verbally bitch-slapping Voldemort and then drawing the Sword of Gryffindor from the sorting hat.

20) Harry tossing himself and Voldemort off the astronomy tower and then disapparating throughout what remained of Hogwarts.

21) Oh and I forgot to mention. HOGWARTS SMASHED!

22) Mrs. Weasley taking on Bellatrix. "Not My DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" And then blasts Helena Bodham Carter into oblivion.

23) As Nagini lunges to attack Hermione and Ron, Neville, in slow-mo, beheads the snake. 7th Horcrux destroyed.

24) Harry turning around in triumph as he realizes the last horcrux was destroyed. OH MAN! The look on his face was AWESOME. Totally, an "I have you now!" moment.

25) The last spell thrown between Voldemort and Harry, leading to Voldemort's disarmed and wand flying, in very DRAMATIC Slow-mo, into Harry's hand.

26) Voldemort disintegrates. My exact reaction: "Ok. That Happened."

27) Harry destroying the elderwand.

28) 19 years later. Harry and Albus Severus Potter have a cute dad-son moment.

29) As the train disembarks, I SWEAR TO GOD there's an extra wearing a TR t-shirt.

The End.

Well I hope you enjoyed this. Sorry for lack of pictures, but the movie is still out in theater for Christ's sake.